Hear, Hear… Me!!!

alrighty… this is the last day of MS Month… but not to worry, because my virtual walk for MS continues… muhahahaha…. until april 10th when things will go back to normal … 😛 whatever the heck normal is… but the posts will continue to flow…

Hear, Hear!! lol… this is soooo a problem… mom (my biggest supporter) gets aggravated with me, thinking that I am mumbling on purpose… but the words just seem heavy, hard to push out… sometimes I am just soooo exhausted, talking seems like a hassle…

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As for the drive-thru problem??? lol… you should try to order something while you are up north (when you have a southern twang, and tend to speak quietly)… I just wanted some fries… you know, those things made from potatoes…

I swear the girl said ‘what?’ like a million times…

it all started off calmly… “a large fry please” … but apparently I have the same issues with pronouncing Fry as I do Ice… (those dang I’s get me every time) …

after repeating myself, attempting to clarify the pronunciation, and finally screaming my order as loudly as possible, I was reduced to sarcasm… sure, most people would have given up and driven to a different restaurant… but I highly doubted that the next drive-thru would be any better… while visiting the beautiful New England States, Kentucky gals should stick to sit down restaurants where they can point at their meal choices… HA!!!

Okay… so I was stubborn and fed up… I started screaming “POM FRITZ, FRENCH FRIES, DEEP FRIED POTATO SLICES….” ….

not my finest moment!!!

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or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

whistle while you work

MS month is almost at a close…

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lol… I love this… MS cuteness…

Multiple Sclerosis does make us Clumsy, Sleepy, Achy, Shaky, Forgetful, Grouchy, and Dopey… but that is not all we are…

my brain may be full of holes, but it still works (mostly… lol) and I am still able to dream and come up with new worlds for my novels… and that’s the point… emotions and outward appearances aside, we all have dreams… and if you are willing to work to find a way to achieve your dreams, there is still hope… life is just different for us…

when I work on my novels, I am always reclined in a soft motorized bed or a recliner… I am not bent over a desk… I wouldn’t last out an hour if I tried to sit and work at a desk, no matter how comfortable the desk chair…

the few times I have the energy to cook (I love cooking) I move slower, and mom bought some cushions for me to stand on while at the stove…

when I work on typing, writing long hand, painting, or one of the other various crafts I enjoy, I have a brace that refuses to allow my wrist to move… my joints hurt like I have carpal tunnel if I use too many repetitive movements… but with the brace, I can last as long as I want… (at least until my brain gets tired and hits the off switch)

What are your dreams, what do you want to do but have given up on because of MS… if you can’t see a way around the problem, reach out to they folks at the national Multiple Sclerosis Society HERE … if they don’t already know the answer, I’m sure they will work with you to find one… and remind all your friends and family that this is MS Month… lets raise money to find a cure… and support each other however we can…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

 

Tremor Time

 

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for the most part, I don’t have this symptom… I do get the occasional shaky hands or twitchy eyes… but that is it…

when my hands start to shake, it is more like the muscles in forearms start jumping… it can make painting a bitch… especially if I’m trying to add small details… it makes me want to scream… but I work with oil paints when I want to make a painting, so it’s all good… oil paints are very forgiving… and take forever to dry, so you have plenty of time to fix any mistakes…

I have some of my paintings up on my Arts and Crafts site…

the twitching of my eye has been happening most of my life… it was just some weird thing that happened from time to time when I was a teen… it is annoying but not really something that bothers me… it isn’t my actual eye… it is the skin of my eyelid… I used to look at it in the mirror, but no one ever gave it a name… it was just that weirdness that happened … and still does… but not often enough to give it a time frame of occurrence…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

 

How dark is your world?

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I try to add an upbeat note to most of my MS posts… but this is a feeling that we all have… it is hard to look around at what we are missing out on, and not feel a little blue… and no one can look on the brighter side all the time… by now, I had planned to have a good job, a kid or two, and be taking care of my mother… it would have been nice to be in a steady relationship as well, but I never was very good at dating, so I planned to just get employed and buy some sperm, and let the rest fall however it would…

but the other day, I wanted to cry… I immediately explained how I was feeling to my mother, because if you don’t voice your feelings they can bury down deep and start to eat you alive… but we were talking about where we would move, and I realized that the things we wanted out of a new home were vastly different, and would never mesh… and that ultimately, all I could do was to make suggestions…

but by this point in my life, I had planned to have the money to have a wonderful home (while asking mom suggestions)

now don’t get me wrong… mom bends over backwards to make me happy, which she doesn’t have to do… it was the thought that I will never (barring a miracle) be one hundred percent in charge of my life…

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But I am still able to write my novels… and maybe one day, they will make enough to give me some measure of independence… my cousin is having a baby… and I will be able to spoil that child, and any future children, and show them all the love I would have giving a child of my own… and finally, mom is willing to move… and I will look at that as the adventure it will be… she is even willing to travel around on walk-about (that’s when we drive from state to state, stopping when we see something of interest)…

these are all wonderful things…. when MS blues come knocking on your door, you need to find one or two things that brighten your world… when the bad makes itself known, you have to remember/find something to take away the sting…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Huh… what’d ya say??

lol… I didn’t think this one would apply to me, but it turns out I was wrong… I have been known for selective deafness from time to time… when it comes down to get in an all out slug fest or just ignore, ignore, ignore??? deafness is very useful…

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other than an annoying ringing every once in a while, my hearing has remained as sharp as ever… and other than ignoring someone that is pissing me off, I might lose track of the conversation if I am getting board… I can’t help it; my mind just wonders…

it is also hard to concentrate on a conversation if I am feeling preoccupied… my mind just refuses to focus on what is being said… sometimes I actually feel like shaking my head, as if the will help me focus on the here and now… for the most part, I actually enjoy being in my own little world of writing and reading… yeah, yeah, yeah… I need to work on that… being social is a part of being human… but dang if it isn’t difficult…

and finally, sometimes it just looks like I’m not listening… but actually I am processing what is being said… this makes mom aggravated sometimes… but when I try to answer too quickly, the first word out of my mouth is always ‘huh…’ I don’t do this consciously… it is like my mind is giving me time to understand what was being said to me, and my mouth throws out the questioning huh before I even know what is going on… but I heard you… and I will answer as soon as I can… 😛 see… aggravating… lol

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Who’s driving this boat??

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Mom and I joke all the time that between the two of us we almost have one fully functioning memory… almost… it can make conversations down right painful, when neither one of us can remember what we were talking about…

every once in a while, we will be driving along, and she/or I will say “I thought you were driving”… lol… that is only funny if you have heard the joke about the two little old ladies, one is cringing as the car goes the wrong way, sidelines mailboxes, and runs red lights… but when her friend tells her to slow down, she replies “I thought you were driving…”

that is me and mom… she is all the time asking me where I am going (I am always the driver, since my MS never took away my driving, well except when I lost my eyesight) … and usually I have gone the long way around, or flat out passed my exit… and I simply say ‘not to worry, we’ll get there eventually’

and that is my mantra… I will get there eventually… I forget what I am doing half the time, but I always get the job done eventually (driving or just living life) the key is to never give up and to do your best not to get upset when your memory takes a break…

mom and I were talking about how dangerous certain sports can be, and I tried to tell her about this European sport that was ten times more dangerous than football… but it took me two days to remember the word ‘rugby’… and it came to me out of nowhere… but it did get there…

the worst time for my memory to be falling down on the job, is when I am heading downstairs for something… I will reach the bottom step and suddenly I don’t have a clue why I’m down there… but wouldn’t you know it, as soon as I get comfortable (back upstairs) I remember… and back to the stairs I head… only to forget all over again once I reach that last step… lol… I have made that circuit three or more times before I finally remember what the heck I needed….

but that is life… that is my life… and as long as it eventually gets done, I am happy… don’t let it get you down, if you keep trying, eventually everything gets done..

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and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Sexual Healing

If ever there was a reason to help raise awareness, support, and funds to discover a cure for Multiple Sclerosis, this has to be his…

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OMG… like I don’t have enough to deal with… okay… I was never good at dating, and I haven’t had any interaction with the opposite sex in years, so why would I care if this is an issue… well, duh… because even thinking about makes me want to pout…

finding a partner for life’s ups and downs is something that most people want, me included… but I am afraid, this is a situation where I am the one needing advice… to top off the whole, I have MS problem, I have to be one of the shyest gals known to man… or maybe one of the shyest gals ‘un’known to man… hehe…

yep… that’s me…

it is easier to be friends than to do that whole seductive female routine… I just don’t understand the rules of the dating world… and now I have this disease… how am I supposed to get excited by the brush of fingers along my spine, you know, if my body decides to go numb and I don’t even feel it… booo… and that is the most g-rated problem I can think of… so very not cool, MS… I demand a refund…

and what guy is gonna want to deal with some chick he just started going out with if she is running around with the hulk version of PMS mood swings, each month, all month… yep… this is by far the suckiest MS symptom I have heard of so far…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Fire Ant Attack

Wow… this month has been overwhelmingly full of MS posts… 😛 usually I only post about 4-7 posts on this site, but the local MS Walk is taking place on April 10th, and March is MS month… since I don’t feel up to walking with my fellow MS/supporter peeps, this has been my way of virtually walking… and getting out the links for those that wish to donate… but donation can be so much more than money… understanding and support is just as important, at least in my opinion… if you can do either, I (as a Multiple Sclerosis sufferer) thank you…

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when I saw this picture on pinterest, I immediately thought of MS and the horrible leg pain I used to go through before my favorite PA at my neurologist came up with mixture of meds to help…

every minute of every day, 24/7, I could feel these angry Fire Ants attacking my legs… and every few seconds those invisible ants would send out an electrical shock, a stabbing pain… it was unbearable… until my PA came along, I was depressed and unsure if I could make it year in and year out with the pain…

not to mention the lack of sleep… there is no way to close your eyes and rest when you are being attacked by fire and electricity… even my penchant hot baths to relieve pain would only help so much… it took forever (if it worked at all) for my legs to stop hurting, and as soon as I got out of the tub, the ants came back…

imagine that pain you get after one of your limbs (legs or arms) falls asleep and then you move around and the blood rushes back in where the circulation was cut off… that is nothing compared to the Fire Ant pain… it is not only an attack on the body, but after months of living with something that refuses to go away, it becomes an attack on your mental health… there is not point to continue, not when you feel like no one will ever help you… that no one believes you… after all, it’s all in your head, right???

well, it may be all in your head, but there is a way to help… Gabapentin – miracle drug, along with a muscle relaxant, and those deadly ants only visit when I forget to take my medicine on time…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Dyslexia meets Multiple Sclerosis

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okay… this is totally unfair… lol… but I grew up learning to deal with Dyslexia… my case isn’t that bad, but getting my words mixed up, and taking ten times longer to read my homework assignment??? reading out loud in class and fearing that I would start to stutter as I did my best to understand what I was reading??? yeah, that crap sucks…

but I found little ways to work around the problems and even graduated third in my class, from high school …

but to then have MS thrown onto the pile of word confusion??? well hell people… lol… it took about eight years, but for the most part my words have straightened out… I still have word salad coming out of my mouth when I am tired or stressed, but I always know what I mean in my head… and thankfully, I can write and type better than I can speak… otherwise I never would have been able to finish my novel… but crossed eyes, falling asleep because my brain is tired, and edits that had me wanting to scream all eventually worked out… and I got an indie publisher to help me get everything in order…

now book two is wither her, and she says we need to talk… frankly I am freaking out, and second guessing myself… I can only hope that I whatever problems she has spotted can be worked out easily… otherwise, you guys might hear my frustration no matter where you live…

Oh… and Yoda rocks… 😛

happy wordage, tracey

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Shake, rattle and fall

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Alright… as far as Seizures go, I have been quite lucky… there have been no out of control, flopping on the floor, drool and bite your tongue moments…

Now, ‘Drop Attacks’, that’s a different story entirely… for the most part, I manage to catch myself… and usually these drops only affect one leg at a time… the worst drop attack I ever had, I was attempting to go downstairs… not a good time for your legs to take a break… luckily, there was a ledge that I managed to catch and hold on to before falling down the stairs… I about jerked my arms out of their sockets but the drop didn’t last long, so I shook it off, cursed a little, and continued on my way…

I don’t know if I have ever had a Seizure where I appeared wide awake, because mom and I both sleep at extremely odd hours… my MS and her back pain has totally screwed up our circadian cycles (the times when we go to bed and sleep)… so it is grab it when you can for us a lot of the time… if I am having wide awake seizures, then the pugs aren’t talking…

but the Drop Attacks??? in a way, I am used to them… my knees would go out on me, even as a child… one time my knees gave out as I approached my desk in second grade… and down I went… it wouldn’t have been that bad but I managed to hit my eye on the corner of my desk… and though I could see just find, the adults were freaking out, and I was crying… but hey, it hurt like the devil…

my granny came to get me, and drove me to the hospital my mother worked at…and the entire time I worried that I would need stitches… but granny said it would be find and no stitches would be required… HA,… the skin beside my eye was split from the actual eye and out about an inch…

needless to say, I freaked out when they came at my face with that needle… hey… Granny had promised no stitches… now at thirty-five, the scar is hard to see, but it is definitely still there… and boy am I glad it got stitched up… even if I did embarrass mom by acting like a loon… 😛 soooo yeah… I got really good at catching myself when my knees/legs decided to drop me on my arse…

happy wordage, Tracey

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Stress equals Mess

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Being in a stressful situation isn’t always avoidable… life loves to throw us into insane moments, to hit us out of the blue with worry, sadness, anxiousness, fear… STRESS … lol…

Especially those of us with MS… but why is Multiple Sclerosis the favorite target of the big bad bully Stress??? Because sometimes we react in ways that make no sense… not even to us… and then the Norms (hehehe… that’s everyone without MS) reacts normally to our out of control emotions and actions, and then??? welllllll, it all goes down hill from there…

I avoid situations that I already know will be stressful (if I can) because I know that it will throw my emotions into chaos… and no one, not even me, wants to deal with a grown woman crying and sweating because the heat has turned her legs to jelly, or the sight of a guest at a party has her spitting mad, or the downtown restaurant is serving all her favorite foods (foods not on her diet) anddddddd cue the melt down… lol…

I know that feeling denied, different, or ignored will nudge the emotions and meltdowns, and stress, anddddd finally the exacerbation (jackhammer to the brain as lesions act up)… I want to live as long as I can, with as many happy days as possible… I know that I can’t control everything, but if I see that I am heading into a stressful situation, I stop and decide if I can avoid it… and nine times out of ten, I can…

I may hurt some feelings, but I am more worried about me… I explain to those I can, but if I know the situation will be a trial, I do my best to head for the hills…

Happy wordage, tracey…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Slow and Steady

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I love this … and it is something that we all need to remember, not just those of us with MS… Multiple Sclerosis, life in general, has a tendency to throw curve balls our way… but anything is possible, we just have to work at it… or at least that’s what my mother says… and she assures me that mother’s know everything 😛

but working through my wants and dreams is difficult… and just because I do my best to reach my goal, keep a bright outlook, and smile when I want to scream… none of that means that I don’t have moments when my outlook, my world view, my sense of right and wrong doesn’t start pushing me into a deep depression…

and on top of the natural depression that comes with having MS, I am a writer… I have one novel published but that just means I now worry that my next book wont be loved… fighting MS blues and Writer’s depression is difficult… but I have my mother to pull me out of it, and to remind me not to expect more out of myself than I can give, and to remember that tomorrow is another day, another chance, and to never give up…

so that is my message to all of you… no matter your trials, keep trying… keep reaching, and keep dreaming… there is always a way… even when we cant reach our original goal, if we keep trying, we will find new dreams and happiness along the way… happy wordage everyone

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

someone remove the anvil

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living with MS is like having a road crew constantly doing jack-hammer like projects inside your brain… I has been a little over a year since my last jack hammer episode, aka exacerbation… or… lesion lighting up my brain like the fourth of july…

but it isn’t a pain you forget… and unlike headaches that I had experienced before, these were easy to pinpoint… I could hold my hand over the area of my brain that was being attacked… and even worse… I could feel when my brain was swelling due to all that trauma… I remember telling my doctor that my brain felt too big for my head, and he said “that’s because it is…”

As for the aspirin comment??? yeah… I learned that lesson real fast… I learned to listen to my body… and when I had an MS headache the only thing that would work was a vasodilator… a pill that scared the crap out of my mom… and one that my doctor no longer prescribes…  I hope someone prescribes them if my headaches come back, but not having even one hidden in the couch cushions, in the medicine cabinet, dropped under the bed, etc, etc, etc…. that is scary… but I would rather cut off my let with a dull knife than go back to the pain doctor that I had to see when everyone in Ky started freaking out about prescribing pain pills… but that is a story from another time… suffice it to say, the woman make me cry and I feared she would make my MS worse with all the stress, so now I spend a lot of time in the bath when in pain…

my Neuro-PA also figured out something to fight the pain in legs, so for now, I sleep in the tub when I have to… 😛

but the worst question to get “did you take something??” would just hurt my feelings… it wasn’t a stupid question exactly… it is normal to ask a person in pain if they have taken something, but if you have had MS for any length of time, you know… there are certain pains in your body that will not react to pain pill… and will the number of other meds being forced on us, it is never smart to add something that will do absolutely nothing…

now back pain??? when that happens, I would love to have some extra strong aspirin … but again… bath time… (Get the picture??) no I’m not in my nineties… those wrinkles are just prune-y skin from spending 8+ hours in the water… you may tell me that hot water is bad for my MS, but it has been ten years and I am doing better than anyone dreamed…

so if anyone needs me, I will be in the bath… 😛 happy wordage, tracey

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Starting Fires…

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When someone asks me to explain Multiple Sclerosis to them, I say it is like holes are being burned into your brain… Owwwww… but that is basically what it is like… an electrical fire…

information gets passed from neuron to neuron, sending little electrical surges to get the info from point A to point B… then somewhere along the way, something goes wrong… because of MS, the electrical surges that a healthy brain can use and process builds/hits a wall/spikes…

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On a MRI, these spikes show up as white areas… AKA: electrical fires… or lesions… and when these fires burn out, they leave a black spot… basically a black hole… so when I say that I have holes in my head, I mean that literally…

March is MS Month… reach out to everyone you know, and lets raise money to find a cure, to put out the fires… donate on my national MS page, or start your own… and enjoy each day…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Who turned off the lights???

The high dive, the bungee swing at Kings Island, zip-lining between two mountain peaks, or even sitting on the edge of a cliff… (okay, I was a little bit of a dare devil in my youth) but climb it, jump it, swim across it activities never frightened me… my mother probably had a few stoke moments, but I love the feeling of freefalling, the moment when it is over and you can look around and go ‘huh… I did that…’ like I said, not the smartest decision maker… lol… but man was it fun…

and not one of those moments had me pausing, wondering if I should back out, fearing the worst… I even decided to swim across Grayson Lake, just to see if I could… I knew that I could float all day if I had to (seriously people, I bob around like a dang raft..) It wasn’t until I got home, told mom and watched her face turn white that realized maybe I should have thought things through a little more… like swimming parallel to rocky shoreline so that I didn’t have to worry about boat running me over…

I do have a problem with the thought of sharks and I absolute detest the beach (I mean, who really wants deal with sand that has a mind of its own and will crawl into every crack and crevasse??? that’s just wrong… but still I go out into the water (I run back when things start touching me, but the fear isn’t enough to stop me)

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But when I started losing my sight, with dark clouds building around the edges, because of MS… I broke down… I was already having issues because my case was fast and out of nowhere and it affected my personality… I acted like a toddler, with out of control emotions and absolute trust that the adults would fix things…but something (and I’m not sure what… something said or maybe a random thought) scared the life out of me…

It may have been the eye exam they took me to while I was in the hospital… (that was a horrible experience but too long for right now) anyhow, one thing got stuck in my head and wouldn’t let go… ‘I wouldn’t be able to read the last Harry Potter’ sounds silly, but at that moment, that was devastating… I bawled like my life was over…

thankfully, my sight came back… but even if it hadn’t, my mother (my rock) was there… she told me not to worry… if I couldn’t read, she would read it to me… with MS, you never know when things may change (for good or bad) but I hope everyone finds their person, their rock, the one that can take your devastation and make everything bearable…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Testing out the waters…

 

8d11544e96509eff0e5d8f1ba47aed5fI want to be confident and sure… but there is that little bit of doubt in the back of my mind, telling me that no matter what I do, no matter how many people tell me they enjoy my stories, and no matter how often the urge to continue putting my words on paper hits me, I am doing the wrong thing… it may be the dreaded writer’s doubt/depression, but I also have to contend with the MS blues… no one can keep a smile on their face 24/7… but what I really think it is, is fear… FEAR…

What if I go to a book signing and freeze up??? What if no one buys my books??? What if I do it wrong, or say the wrong thing???

Damn shyness… I hate being shy… I know that once I get to know someone, I come alive… but at a book signing I will be floundering for purchase… if I have someone I know with me (Assistant), at least I will feel comfortable with them, but the purpose of a book signing is to interact with reader… AKA: Strangers… Gulp… Forget freezing up, I just hope I don’t throw up… And if I can manage to open my mouth, I know there will be some books bought… every month, people are picking up copies of Shocking Finds in eBook (kindle), but I don’t see those people… I don’t speak with them face to face…

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Amazon

(check out my book website for other buy links for stores other than Amazon)

I have signed up to be a part of three book signings this year… it will be my first year participating in the frightening process… yep… you readers out there scare the hell out of me… lol

But forget about doubt and fear, forget about shyness… What if my MS acts up, and I embarrass myself in front of all those people that I want to be entertained by my work??? What if I have an exacerbation and start bawling in the middle of one of the crowded rooms??? What if I sweat so much that I look like a drowned rat and no one wants to come near me, and therefore no one buys my books??? What if —

What if I miss this opportunity???

There will always be doubt, fear and shyness… and MS will always be a part of my day to day life… and there are a lot of questions that I will only be able to answer once I have survived the trials… The one thing I know for sure… I refuse to miss an opportunity no matter what I have to face… Therefore, I plan to be that girl sweating profusely, face red in embarrassment, and stumbling over her words at three signing events, if not more…

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Wild in West Virginia

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Imaginarium Convention

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Rebels and Readers Author Event

That’s one event in hot weather, and two in relatively cool/cold weather… that should give me a feel for what I will be up against… and yes, this is war… lol… me against my MS and shyness… but if I managed to do solos in high school, I know that I can do this… when we love doing something in private, showing the results to the world can be difficult… but then, nothing worth doing is ever easy… 😛 or so I will continue to tell myself… Happy wordage everyone

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

 

My body, my pain!

For the most part, I agree with this… but not completely…

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I learned over time that there were different types of pain… just like there were different types of stomach upset… I mean… acid reflux may make you vomit but it has nothing to do with nausea problems… you don’t take Phenergan when there is acid climbing up your throat… and popping some Nexium will do nothing to help with sea sickness or constant vomiting…

So I knew that my headaches wouldn’t be helped by pain pills… but when my back hurt too much for me to stand up straight, a pain pill dulled the issue until I could function during the day… but a switch of doctors, a crack down on pain pills and I ended up with General Physician that refused to touch the issue of my back pain, and referred me to a pain specialist that flat out told me she didn’t like to treat MS patients because they never get better… WTF…

after three visits, where she managed to make me cry (damn MS emotions) all three times, I said ‘the hell with this’ … I reduced my activity, made sure to stop doing anything that may aggravate my back, and stopped going to the ‘pain specialist’ … sorry guys, no happy thoughts this time… this is a hot button issue… from now on, I plan to watch out for the evil pain, and maybe by some vodka… lots of vodka…

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What do you mean “I’m having a Breakdown?”

this is definitely true… and while I hate to admit it (even more than the bladder weakness) I force myself to self evaluate constantly…

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sometimes, it is easy to know that my emotions are throwing me a curve ball… like when I broke down into tears because mom didn’t want to go straight to the mall… did she say she wouldn’t go?? no… this happened early on in my diagnosis… and I heard when mom said she need to make a stop before we headed to the mall???

“You aren’t gonna get to go to the art store.”

Needless to say, there was snot, tears and some hyperventilation… we eventually made it to the mall, but mom’s pit stop turned into a doctor drive by… thank heavens my doctor at the time was a family friend, cause mom stopped in and simply said “You need to up the does on her happy pill!!”

before I even made it out of the hospital, I was informed that I would need a mood stabilizer… and boy were they right… my heart would break at the slightest misunderstanding… thankfully, my anger wasn’t a problem… but it could have been… when lesions start burning out hole in her head, your personality and they way you respond to events in your life can change… the information seems to get lost as you fight to figure out what the hell is going on, and how you’re supposed to function…

but one step at a time, I you can stop to think things over, you may not understand but there will be times when you notice a difference… you’ll think ‘huh… that doesn’t seem normal’… this is what I try to do… it was hard at first, confusing… and didn’t really work… but with time, I got better at spotting my actions and reactions that didn’t seem right… I know I still get things wrong, but it isn’t about being right all the time… its about learning to function, and I do that by evaluating the things I do and say, and trying to make sure that it makes sense…

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#WeAreStrongerThanMS

Finding My Words

The National Multiple Sclerosis Society has been sending out encouraging emails containing stories of strength… and it is strength to feel as if something you love has been taken from you… to feel lost, but to find ways to continue on…

I have always been a creative person, with half my mind taken up with artistic ideas… but in 2005 I felt as if MS had taken all that away… no more oil paints, or stories full of my wonderful words; no more charcoal sketches or cake decorations… without warning, my mind and body was hit with exacerbation after exacerbation… without the progression and symptoms that are common leading up to a diagnosis of MS, my doctors were scrambling to find a reason for my loss of vision, my inability to walk, my childlike confusion and forgetfulness, arms with minds of their own as they twitched and slammed my hands into everything in sight, etc… basically all things MS related, but instead of a growing list of symptoms, it seemed that everything was going wrong at the same time… within weeks, I was going down hill fast…

thankfully, a multitude of physicians came to give their opinions as they ran tests and viewed results, knowing that as a college student I had not insurance… I am very grateful to them all… it was a rapid decent, but they managed to get my lesions under control…

with the support of my mother, I relearned how to walk, talk, read, write, etc… but in the beginning, the only thing I had to entertain myself in world full of unrelenting boredom (reading confused and hurt my head, watching tv caused headaches, walking was difficult and painful, etc…) was my imagination… I made up stories to pass the time…

but what good were stories, when I couldn’t write them down, I couldn’t edit my words or construct a full sentences … with my mother’s help I grew from that childish mindset… she would sit for hours, doing art project… simple and easy projects like superglue and material to make a cork board pretty, beads and string to make jewelry, or even hand held games for younger kids… each idea she came up with helped me to work on my thought processes, and my hand eye coordination… slowly I was able to jot down notes, so I could remember where my story was going, I could record ideas (in short sentences), and when my head started to hurt, I could speak into my phone so that the speech-to-text option would write down my thoughts…

I still use the speech-to-text, but I also flip back and forth between writing long hand and typing… I have an awesome wrist brace so that MS joint pain doesn’t slow me down, and I know how to manage my projects… it is all about balance… just because I cannot type out my story doesn’t mean that I cannot get my words into the computer… using my cell phone, I can use the speech-to-text button and suddenly my phone is a voice recorder (only better) and then I can email my current chapter to myself… after some copy and pasting, my chapter has been added to my computer files…

when you have MS, it is important to find little work-arounds so that you don’t miss the things that mean the most to you… with help and determination, I was able to finally get my novel Shocking Finds published… and I have two others out to an indie publisher at Gone Writing Publishing to be considered as well…

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I never thought I would be able to think straight again, let alone complete a 110,000 word paranormal/fantasy romance novel… but no matter how long it took – and it was a good five years before I started feeling like a person again, and another three before I could edit my own work – I feel satisfaction and pride in myself each time someone tells me how much they enjoyed my book… MS was a horrible bump in the road for me, but I truly feel that becoming ill helped me to find my passion in life…

Happy wordage everyone… and never give up hope

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mixing in a little pleasure…

Okay… I may be a bit of a Shemar Moore fan… but ever since I found out about his Baby Girl line of clothes and accessories, and the fact that part of the proceeds from sales goes to the National MS society, I have been an uber fan… lol… hot and kind hearted, and an excellent actor…

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Granted, he is an actor… some people are yummy to look at but when you actual meet the real person, their personality sucks… but for intents and purposes, Shemar seems to be the real deal… his Baby Girl line caters to smaller body frames and curvy fuller frames… personally, I have one of the t-shirts and am looking at picking up some sweats… I love my sweats in the winter… it’s about the only time I can wear them, but when the snow falls I want some fuzzy socks and warm sweat pants… (you know… when it gets below zero and my MS says it is finally cold enough… lol)

the sizes seems to range from x-Small to 3x… with a section ranging in the plus sizes from 0-5…

There are Shemar posters, cell phone covers, hats and sexy comfort nighties…

I may need one of the longer t-shirt nighties as well… I love sleeping in long shirts… alrighty… I just wanted to show some of the stuff to be found on Shemar Moore Official Website because I already posted a bunch of stuff for the My Walk Gear website… if you want to check out that post, and the handful of Shemar pics I slipped into the end of the post (I just couldn’t help myself… yummmm) Click HERE … and happy wordage… as an MS sufferer, thanks to everyone throwing out support this month, no matter how you choose to show it… 😛 Tracey

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE