Tag Archives: author

The new me…

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this is sooooo very true… no matter how upbeat I try to be, I still have moments of regret and mourning… I miss the girl that could do anything, that could and would jump first and ask questions later, that knew no fear and would try just because she was told it was impossible… I miss the way she saw the world, the way she yearned to climb higher and swim deeper…

although I know that that girl is still inside me, urging me to find a way, I now have to temper her where I used to let her run free… now we are forced to work with and around restrictions…

RESTRICTIONS… one of the ugliest words in the English language… while I have found ways to work on my art and my writing, it is the outside world that still needs a work-around or two… I know this post seems relatively down for me, but I blame the heat… it is as the temperature continues to cook my spinal cords and brain cells that I am forced to admit that MS is hard to accepts, to live with…

so now that I have vented, I plan to look for more ways to let the girl from Yesterday come out to play a little more… not really sure what that means, but surely there is a way…

she and I have been working on keychains for the RRBC Block party… there are still a few days left to win some prizes… in fact, my book site Finder’s Keepers Series will be one of the blogs on the 29th… with the winner picking between my bracelets, earrings, and the new keychains as their prize…

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but that is all indoors fun… my lost half is itching to do something outdoors… maybe someday I will figure out a way to let her come out to play

Warm and Worn

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I don’t know about you guys, but I am soooooo ready for fall… I swear that the oxygen is beginning to evaporate because of this outrageous heat… omg…

I had to run out to the post office to mail out a prize for the RRBC Block Party and the heat was out of control… the car temp (which I truly hope was broken – on my 2016 car… almost a year old… ??? that’s long enough for things to start breaking… right???) well it told me that it was 101 degrees out… which is just wrong on soooooo many levels… but the prize wasn’t gonna mail itself… there was nothing to do but to drip my way to the counter… (omg – the sweat)

hopefully it will cool down out there by the time I’m forced to make that trip again… the heat has been zapping my energy and will to ??? well, to do anything ready… the amount of movement it takes to get out of bed already has me broken out in salty, dripping sweat… it is impossible to think straight when you are constantly cursing the salty tears burning your eyes…

but sopping wet and blood shot eyes, I managed to get my winner’s package sent… lol… which reminds me, if you guys want to win some goodies, the RRBC Back to School Block Party… every day this month there are chances to win prizes on the awesome blogs signed up to participate… bloggers, authors, and all manner of fun peeps… in fact, I did a stop on my author blog – Finder’s Keepers – Author Tracey Clark– on aug 5th, and will be doing another stop on aug 29th over on my book blog – Finders Keepers Series… woo who… come have some fun… and remember to head to RRBC to check the line up each day for new chances…

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Evil Confusion… Evil MS

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I want to growl, maybe even howl… there is definitely a scream or two building up at the inefficiency of my mind… okay… that might be a little harsh… but still very true…

I love writing… which is very surprising seeing as I deal with MS (confusion) and dyslexia every day, and especially during the hotter summer months… as the temperature rises, my MS symptoms make themselves known… misunderstandings and an inability to verbalize my thoughts is frequent… but after growing up with the confusion and the lack of articulation associated with dyslexia, these symptoms are nothing new…

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part of creating novels and short stories is research… something that I have always abhorred… but the added difficulties of living with MS has made evil research even worse… it’s hard to explain, but my brain sort of shuts down when faced with too much confusion… learning something new, or focusing on and answering questions creates a short circuit in my ability to stay awake… I simply pass out… it is maddening… and disheartening…

I want to create stories that can be enjoyed… stories with added tidbits of honest real world information to pull the reader in and allow them to visualize my words as if they were living the story…

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finding a balance that allows my mind to work at its own pace, and my creative side to put together works I consider worthy of publishing is hard… but in the end it is worth it… there is a pride and joy that overcomes me as my words become published works… it is a type of high, a high of accomplishment… (oh course, then I have to deal with writer’s depression… something that happens after the publishing phase is over and down with… but I deal with that by taking on art projects and starting on new writing projects… )

if the confusion of MS symptoms and dyslexia were too overwhelming (or not worth enduring) I never would have finished my first novel… now if I could just find a way to stay conscious during research, life would be a lot easier to navigate…

good luck with life, and good luck with you own MS symptoms during this overwhelmingly hot season… happy wordage, tracey

sign up for Finder’s Keepers Newsletter and receive updates on future works… 😛

Nudist Colony here I come…

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I’m meltinggggggg…….. I’m melting… when to the store with mom and she suddenly looks at me, head cocked to the side and asks “Your shirt is wet. Is that sweat under your breasts?”

“Why… yes, yes it is. and thank you for calling attention to the matter….” we were in the middle of Wal-Mart… looking at bras… lol… I felt like promising the sales attendant that I wouldn’t try anything on…

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(well… that pic could mean something completely different… but it was the closest one I could find to what I wanted… )

even if I did move to a nudist colony, I would still run around covered in sweat, my head swelling from the heat… I need shade, a strong breeze and as little clothing as is acceptable… I swear, this heat makes me want to be a man… then I could run around with flip-flops and shorts on, and nothing else… sure, some places demand a shirt and shoes before they will serve ya, but that is what wife beater tees are for…

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unless I can locate one in Antarctica…omg I am burning up… lol… I think I will start sitting on piles of ice throughout the day… in college (due to roommate fights and the heat in the room when someone left the heater on in summer) I would take ice cold bathes before bed, drop my body temperature low enough that I didn’t have time to overheat before I feel asleep… this weather has me eyeballing the tub and thinking about making a run to the store for a bag of ice…

and just think peeps, the worst is yet to come… lets all move north…

but inside with the AC I am cool enough to work on my books… just finished/published the second book in my Finder’s Keepers series… woo who… urban fantasy romance…

if you want book info sign up for my author Newsletter

and keep cool… I’m off for some ice chips and some edits…

OMG … my head

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lol… I know what my brain is telling me… it is screaming that I have MS and need to slow down… the month of may has been way to full of activity… I know that I need to avoid stress and heat, and listen to my body… but sometimes all I hear is ‘blah, blah, blah…’

I hate the feeling of being hampered by my MS, but that is the way of it… grrr…

okay, now that the growling is out of the way, I have to think of ways to work with my MS… my hardest obstical is Sleep… I toss and turn, sleep in the tub, and wake up exhausted… when I sleep in the bed, I roll in circles and end up tossing my pillows all over the place.. sometimes my head ends up where my feet should be… and falling asleep in the first place is a real back in the arse…

but my heads main problem is Smell… I took mom to get a perm earlier this month, and ended up sitting outside to avoid the smells… man… it had to be the strongest solution ever created for a perm… and then we rested up for a mother/daughter church dinner with granny-2…  I guess my brain/smeller was already in hyper-drive… as soon as we walked into the reception/fellowship area my nose was assaulted by the smell of freshly cut onions… my eyes began to water and my head to ache… omg… and the dang onions were at the other end of the room…

sooo… I had a few headaches this month, but I got a lot done… finished camp nano with 70,000+ words (one and half novels in rough draft form), worked on a new art project, and checked out Lake Cumberland with mom… a little pain, but all in all, I have had some great moments this month…

happy wordage, tracey

watch me run…

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I ran… the wind blew, the sweat started to drip, my breathing accelerated, and still I ran… I became a bullet train of MS glory… muhahahaha

okay… that isn’t me… and my distance my seem trivial to some, but to all you MSers out there, when I say I managed to beat my time on the 25 foot walk, it will mean something… when I first got sick, 25ft felt like miles… a marathon of pain… and then I had to sit down… and that was after I had bounced off the walls as I wobbled down the hall… and my time… HA… a lot embarrassed me back then… now I share everything… bladder issues, jumbled words, or loss of basic abilities… but at the time I wanted to cry… I felt like I needed to push harder, like people (even my dr) would look at me and think “She isn’t even trying… there’s nothing wrong with her!!!”

back then my 7+ seconds time was humiliating… as I grow with my MS, and accept more limits, and strive for goals, I am better equipped to handle the ups and downs… but this one, folks, was definitely an up… 2 seconds… point-5 seconds faster than my last time…  and what fancy foot wear did I don in preparation for my big run???

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HA… no tennis shoes for this girl… I showed up for appointment with my comfy flip flops on my feet… but this 25ft walk (or in my case run) is serious business… lol… so I kicked them off… and my doc, well accustomed to my ways by now, told the little nurse in training to “back out of the way…. she really is gonna run” … lol… in my stance and off I went… it is the small accomplishments that help to balance out the crap… and that 25ft is now my favorite part of the neurologist’s office… that and my doc is funny… that is why I think she will totally appreciate my runners gear…

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I soooo need to find something like this… 😛 … day by day, highs and lows, I want everyone to keep shooting for those small moments… it can be anything… a good time on your 25ft walk, a day without headaches, making something that has been giving you trouble for years… each small moment gives hope … and, for me, usually a smile… because I am well aware that I am acting like a silly monger, but for once I am having fun with my MS… tracey

 

Testing out the waters…

 

8d11544e96509eff0e5d8f1ba47aed5fI want to be confident and sure… but there is that little bit of doubt in the back of my mind, telling me that no matter what I do, no matter how many people tell me they enjoy my stories, and no matter how often the urge to continue putting my words on paper hits me, I am doing the wrong thing… it may be the dreaded writer’s doubt/depression, but I also have to contend with the MS blues… no one can keep a smile on their face 24/7… but what I really think it is, is fear… FEAR…

What if I go to a book signing and freeze up??? What if no one buys my books??? What if I do it wrong, or say the wrong thing???

Damn shyness… I hate being shy… I know that once I get to know someone, I come alive… but at a book signing I will be floundering for purchase… if I have someone I know with me (Assistant), at least I will feel comfortable with them, but the purpose of a book signing is to interact with reader… AKA: Strangers… Gulp… Forget freezing up, I just hope I don’t throw up… And if I can manage to open my mouth, I know there will be some books bought… every month, people are picking up copies of Shocking Finds in eBook (kindle), but I don’t see those people… I don’t speak with them face to face…

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Amazon

(check out my book website for other buy links for stores other than Amazon)

I have signed up to be a part of three book signings this year… it will be my first year participating in the frightening process… yep… you readers out there scare the hell out of me… lol

But forget about doubt and fear, forget about shyness… What if my MS acts up, and I embarrass myself in front of all those people that I want to be entertained by my work??? What if I have an exacerbation and start bawling in the middle of one of the crowded rooms??? What if I sweat so much that I look like a drowned rat and no one wants to come near me, and therefore no one buys my books??? What if —

What if I miss this opportunity???

There will always be doubt, fear and shyness… and MS will always be a part of my day to day life… and there are a lot of questions that I will only be able to answer once I have survived the trials… The one thing I know for sure… I refuse to miss an opportunity no matter what I have to face… Therefore, I plan to be that girl sweating profusely, face red in embarrassment, and stumbling over her words at three signing events, if not more…

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Wild in West Virginia

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Imaginarium Convention

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Rebels and Readers Author Event

That’s one event in hot weather, and two in relatively cool/cold weather… that should give me a feel for what I will be up against… and yes, this is war… lol… me against my MS and shyness… but if I managed to do solos in high school, I know that I can do this… when we love doing something in private, showing the results to the world can be difficult… but then, nothing worth doing is ever easy… 😛 or so I will continue to tell myself… Happy wordage everyone

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

 

Swag insanity

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Swag away peeps… muhahaha… this is an idea I saw on Pinterest… and mom bought me a book of bead ideas… I hope to have a large number of free gifts (swag for writers) to hand out when I go to the Rebels and Readers author signing event Nov 5, 2016… I will be there as one of the signing authors… this is my first signing… I am excited and freaked the heck out… and I just know that I will be embarrassed as I sit there sweating like a hog… but this MS chick will push through…

I plan on having a comfortable chair, and running for the hills at the first sign of a headache… lol… Just kidding… I will pack my head in ice if I have to, I will do at least one book signing… if all goes well, I will plan on others… and of course, I will follow my publishers directions… if she wants me to go to other signings, then away I will go…

arts and crafts are part of the way I deal with my MS… it keeps my mind working, and gives me something to do when I can’t read or write (my true loves)

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

OMG… You Want Me to What??

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I know that one day I will be asked to stand up in front of strangers and read an excerpt of my latest novel… ARGGHHH… saying that I don’t expect a standing ovation is an understatement… if I don’t throw up from nerves, I will be sweating and beat red from embarrassment, embarrassment that will trigger my MS issues into over-reaction… because I know that my natural shyness and my MS will fighting to take over, I have decided to head back to my critique meetings when I feel up to it… What??? How can that help???

One of the things we do at these meetings is to read a portion of our latest work out loud, so that the group can give us feedback… in the past, I allowed my fear of reading out loud to stop me from reading… I had admitted my dyslexia and shyness, both of which result in stutters and embarrassment overload… because everyone already knew what was going on with me, they all offered to read a portion of my story for me… knowing these people, and interacting with them for more than a year, I now feel more comfortable around them… that took some of the embarrassment out of the picture… but not all… I still have to deal with my hatred of reading out loud… dang Dyslexia/MS combo…

but since I feel comfortable around them, and because I know that excerpt reading will one day become an issue, I decided to use them as practice… I hope that I can become more comfortable reading out loud, just like I got used to singing solos… granted, I threw up before almost every solo… soooo… yeah… anyone got some valiums I can borrow???

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and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Feeling Twitchy

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lol… this has been a biiiiggggg issue… I call my spastic movements ‘twitches’… but mostly it affects my arms… I have accidentally hit people and object more often than I can count… but the height of the spastic life has to be the time I threw my drink in my own face… OMG… Diet coke right to the face…

the involuntary movements have been less frequent in the past few years, but when I first got sick it was horrible… it eventually got to the point where I could feel them coming on… if I tried to hold on to the feeling and stop it, the feeling became quite painful… but then, it could also be painful to just let the ‘twitch’ happen…

I busted my knuckles on the driver side window just about every time I got in the car… or, you know… the passenger… 😛 Just go with it MS peeps, and always stand next to people you dislike … and for the love of mud, be careful while drinking…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

One step at a time

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This is true for everyone out there… we all walk our own path in this world, but as an MS gal this statement really hits home…

just because we can’t walk as fast, or as far in one setting, as others doesn’t mean that we are unable to do and live… we will reach our goals, it just might take us a little longer than Norms… Norm = your average healthy human on the planet *sorry guys… I write Paranormal/fantasy romance… there are a lot of Norms in my world 😛 *

Take a breath, slow down, and make your own way… it took me a long time to accept that I wouldn’t been doing things in the same way that I had taken for granted my entire life… Even when I started to feel a little more human, I had lost a lot of the things I loved but believed that would always be there… so what if I had all these stories in my mind??? so what if I could draw and paint??? so what if cooking a gourmet meal came with ease??? So what if I loved softball and could any wild pop up thrown my way???

These things were there but always in the back of my mind… Then it was all gone, along with the basics… writing, reading, speaking, walking… etc, etc, etc… As I started getting the basics back, I wanted to jump to the finish line… I wanted to be the person I used to be… If my talents weren’t coming back, then I wanted to shop and cook a simple dinner… I wanted to live… to have a purpose…

It was only through my writing (when the ability came back) that I finally managed to find a purpose… I still can’t deal with numbers (and for a former mathematics major, that was a huge hit) and answering questions are extremely difficult… but I can make things up with the best of them… lol… if I can entertain even one person with my stories, I have a purpose…

If you want to cook??? but a recliner in the kitchen… save up and get those soft cooking mats for professionals… keep trying to find your own way… who cares if your kitchen looks like a high school door, you can do your prep and mixing from a comfortable position… 😛

Just remember to take your steps one at a time… and if it causes you pain, then do your best to find a way around the problem… happy wordage everyone, Tracey Clark

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Keep trying

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Isn’t that the truth… if I do too many things, too many days in a row, then I am sooooo tired … And in pain…. I need days to recuperate… it’s really hard to work around this MS detail of day to day life, but most of the time I can… but this means that scheduling too many activities in advance is a bad idea… or is it…

When I went to DragonCon (think costumes, writers, actors, conventions) I knew that just walking around and taking part in the insanity wouldn’t happen… but there were a lot of authors I wanted to see, and a bunch of writing workshops that interested me… soooo what did I do??? I took a chance… I signed up for all the workshops that caught my eye… If I could make it, then I went… And when I needed to rest or sleep in, it was disappointing, but I did…

But planning and resting is all well and good… that doesn’t mean that I didn’t overdo… yep… I wanted to go and see one of my favorite authors at one of the talks… problem was, I was exhausted… totally wiped out… Still, I went… I even sat up front… I mean, right up front… Where all those people I looked up to could see me… And what happened you ask??? A 110 percent fatigue … I tried, i really did… but no matter how hard I tried to keep my eyes open, I passed out… and then my body would do that thing where it jerks awake because you are about to crash face first into a your desk, or your about to fall out of your chair… *clears throat… ahem… cough, cough…* oh, look… my cheeks are red…

so I keep jerking awake just as I was about to fall off my seat… sitting right in front of Laurell K. Hamilton and Jim Butcher… I was embarrassed beyond belief… And what did I do about this embarrassment???

I made sure to catch the next time they were scheduled to talk, the next day… oh, I was still embarrassed but that didn’t stop me… I did however make sure not to sit in the front row… lol… and this time I was wide awake and I had a marvelous time…

always keep trying… and never give up…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Cross your legs and pray!!

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Wellllll…. heck… sure is nice to know I am not alone in this… it is embarrassing but yes, yes I have wet my pants like an un-potty-trained toddler… for the most part it isn’t that bad… but I look a little insane at times… I mean, I am 35 years old… and I rush to cross my legs every time I feel a sneeze coming on… Why??? because I don’t want to pee all over myself… and sneezing seems to be my trigger…

and heaven help me if don’t notice the sneeze/cough before it happens… grr… and the problem of a full bladder… especially first thing in the morning… you know, that moment when you want just a few more minutes of sleep, and you convince yourself that peeing isn’t that important… because, hey… you can hold it for five more minutes… HA… I don’t think so… if I wake up and need to pee, I get up and pee… there is no waiting…

it is like my bladder, my body, has forgotten how to hold it… I feel the need to run to the restroom, and it is probably too late… for the love of mud, let the cursing begin… and the vacation rule ‘have you used the bathroom??’ is in effect every time I leave the house… don’t feel the need??? too bad… get in the bathroom and try just in case… yep…

it reminds me of one of our vaca trips, where we took two cars and used CB radios… and when my grandmother needed a restroom break??? mom got on the CB and said “breaker, breaker, we have a senior citizen with a bladder control problem…” lol… mom got wacked on the back of the head, and we all laughed… more at the fact that mamaw was beating up the driver than anything else… but the whole thing was hilarious…

Well, I feel like someone is on some mystical CB every day now, and let me tell you… NOT SO FUNNY…. but I am 35 dangit, and I will pack baby wipes and extra under pants before I pull on a pair of depends… you hear me MS… I will not go down without a fight… grr… 😛

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

 

who put that wall here??

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lol… the worst is coming up the stairs when my legs are upset with me… I mean… who wants to explain that they fell down the stairs because they first fell going up the stairs…

I learned very quickly to hold on for dear life no matter if I went up or down the stairs… and on really bad days, I do the imbalance crawl… where you are almost on your hands and knees when there are stairs involved…something that is also helpful when your back hurts… heaven help you if you need to carry something (like my pug, which is afraid of everything… including stairs)

if the little guy only knew the life and death situation he was in every time he asked to be carried, he would be afraid of me as well as the stairs, the dark, heights, being along… yep, the list goes on and on…

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(a few makeup issues there but hey if you spent 90 percent of the time in a downpour of sweat you wouldn’t practice very often either… lol) the one looking at me is Bella, and the one that looks like he is pouting is Moe-moe … Moe-moe (aka: big scardy cat)

back to the point… MS likes to throw balance to the wind… recently my balance has only been a problem when I become over tired, or for that first hour after waking up… it’s like someone decided to reconstruct the dimensions of the house… and rearrange the furniture… I need to move slow and careful for that first hour… because it is either that or start wearing padding and shin guards… owww… 😛

but my balance has improved a lot over the years… the first few years, I had to bounce off the walls in order to make it down the hallway… and the 25foot walk that the neurologist insists on was rubbish… it took forever to make it 25feet and then I needed to rest… my hope is that one day I will be able to walk through the mall without pain, and without needing to rest… if my balance would continue to improve, that would be great as well…

my doctor says that my 25foot walk is the best improved MS patient she has… woo who… 2.4 seconds… that is a record for me… and it is one I feel proud of… and if I have an off day, or my balance acts up for a few months/years, I hope I will always have the upbeat knowledge that I may get better again… never give up guys… happy wordage, tracey

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

 

 

 

 

MS Peeps Join Forces

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I found this on Pinterest… and it reminded me of my life… or of what I want my life to be… I want to make something out of the impossible… Multiple Sclerosis hits each and every person differently… sure there are a lot of similarities, but the extent and the angle of attack seems to always be different…

when I first got sick, I was reduced to the mindset of a toddler… ten years later, I feel as if I have rebuilt myself… I still have a ways to go, but the very fact that I was able to write and complete a novel, that I have a number of others in the works??? this amazes me… and I am grateful… I don’t want anyone to think that my complaints diminish the triumphs I have had…

sure… I still have trouble with Q&A, and with understanding and retaining the research necessary in the writing world… a dozen questions that require me to follow and understand enough to give a cogent answer??? that is a situation that still cause me to become upset as become confused and start to stutter, and then there are the headaches that pop up if I push myself to far…

and the eye crossing research??? an hour of attempting to look up and understand the information on my computer screen also puts me to sleep… when I need to edit or look up some facts, I spend an hour surfing the web, and then I am out like a light for three – five hours… I don’t have a choice… which drives me crazy… why in the world would my body drop off to sleep (aka coma) when most nights I have trouble getting my mind to shut down… I mean, its crazy… I drop off as if I have been drugged… but after a few days of narcolepsy, I and finished, and can rest up for the fun stuff…

it sounds crazy that I need to rest up, but a few days of trying to understand and jot down information feels like my mind has run a 20k… it is down right exhausting… and I feel the weakness in my entire body… thank heavens, when it comes to just making stuff up, my mind works a lot better… too bad I can’t just write my rough drafts and let someone else do the research and edits… (for free of course, since writers are the poorest of poor people…)

on a happy note, I went back to the local writers group… think AA for work-aholics… and there is a new member… and another lover of words that suffers from MS… together we can put our deteriorating brains together and rule the world… muahahahahahaha

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Let’s Go Swimming

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Swimming has always been a therapeutic thing for me… but ever since I got sick, I have found that a warm bath will put me right to sleep… I swear, ten minutes in a nice warm tub and I am fast asleep… when I can’t sleep, I get in the tub and the next thing I know, it is ten in the morning… I spend hours in the watery bed… I prefer to call it swimming… lol… I don’t know if water does it for other Multiple Sclerosis patients, but for me it is my number one relaxation…

there are nights when my brain just won’t turn off… story ideas run through my mind, running loops through my internal hamster wheel… the only way to turn off the voices is to soak them out… lol… now, I hate edits, but I love to make up new stories… new ways for my characters to grow… right now, that is my Skymann family… I just got done running through some edits for the first book in the series, and off to the beta reader it flew… but that means there is room for the voices to start throwing out more ideas, more stories and characters…

But its about more than relaxing and brainstorming… the warmth of the tub has been my only escape from the pain in my legs and back when nothing else will work… miss firing electrons??? that’s what my doctors all say… I even went to a pain doctor, but she flat out said she didn’t like to treat MS patients because they can never get better… WTH??? So I will continue to soak and think, until the MS doctors realize that there are different types of pain for an MS patient, and only the patient can know what will and won’t work… (at least this is the way I see it for me)

there are the headaches that no amount of pain pill will help, though a vasodilator will relieve… (a pill that my doctors have chosen to stop prescribing, that god my headaches have become few and far between)… number two would be the joints and muscle pains… which I have found are better dealt with in a warm tub… it is a type of pain that reminds me of having the flu… everything aches… a warm bath helps…

and finally, there is the leg and back pain that makes me want to amputate something… it is a step above and beyond flu aches… it is an evil that refuses to go away… and something that has me spending eight hours in the bathtub… it is a pain that robs me of more sleep than any other internal voice could hope of stealing… and it is a pain that I know from experience responds to pain pills, but what do I know… its just my body…

Wear your sweat with pride

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OMG… Hot weather and my sweat glands sooo do not get along… I melt like an ice cube in 110 degree heat… I hate it… it is sooo embarrassing to be standing in the middle of a group of people enjoying the breezy 70 degree weather, and there I am in shorts and tank top, and flip flops… drowning in sweat… Sweat that increases with anger, tears, and especially anxiety… Anxiety that hits me at every turn…

I am doing so much better these days, but I still become confused at the drop of a hat… and that causes??? you guessed it… Anxiety…

And explaining to people that I may need for them to repeat instructions multiple times causes??? YEP!!! Anxiety….

Large crowds, meeting new people, asking questions, making phone calls, making a speech…. ???? …. Anxiety, Anxiety, Anxiety, Anxiety, ANXIETY…

but on the positive side… when I first got diagnosed I couldn’t even leave the house without my temperature sky rocketing, and my lesions firing up causing a flare up (exacerbation) which manifested in headaches that brought me to tears and caused my out of control emotions to screaming/ crying tantrums… Which caused embarrassment… which caused??? OMG…. more Anxiety…

I had to spend the first three years or more in one room that had a window air conditioner on top of the central cooling system… when I was first diagnosed, I kept my hospital room sooooo cold that the nurses actually grabbed a jacket before entering… lol… and yes, I was there long enough for the staff to know that my room would be freezing…

Plus side… I have been out in 80 degrees (sweating) without a headache… so I will take that as an improvement…

*As for that perfect world where the temperature is always perfect… that would be San Francisco… Mom took me there in the early days because it was on the list of dream vacations… if you have severe heat issues, vaca in San Fran… it is wonderful… these days, I enjoy a little heat when it is horribly cold… I might even need a jacket if I ever go back…

PT is over

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Sooo… I didn’t really feel like PT was helping with my back pain anymore than it did the last time, but that  isn’t the reason that my PT came to an end… apparently SSI/Medicare only pays for six sessions and then you have to have the doctor ask for more time… But the PT guys said that they could also give me some exercises to do at home and a free month at the clinic (basically some exercise machines and a track)

I of course told him that I would take the home exercises because “this getting up at two in the afternoon is killing me” lol… and I am not even kidding… my sleep has been all over the place… to make matters worse, it is hard to sleep when your body is screaming at you (which mind likes to do after PT) and once I did fall asleep, getting back up is a pain… like pulling myself out of a coma… grr….

anywho… no more PT… more time to do Edits for book two… which I have decided to do at night, no matter how much I accomplish during the day, because it knocks me out…

okay, off to the land of edits… and probably a forced nap… happy wordage, tracey

Scorpion attacks… muhahaha

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Warning my MS peeps… I love Scorpion, but man oh man, I cried like a devastated child when Walter’s sister Megan died… I could see it coming but a part of me kept hoping that Walter would find something to make her better, to prolong her life… I wasn’t blind… I didn’t think their would be a cure… the show is all about science and what is known… and if a MS cure had been found I would have heard the news from my doctor…

I followed the show for weeks, each episode making it clear that Megan was getting worse… but when the death scene came, the reality of my disease hit me hard… I cried the kind of tears that take your breath away, that leave you sobbing and unable to see through the waterworks… when I finally calmed down, I went upstairs to Mom’s room and warned her… she said ‘oh, Tracey, you shouldn’t watch that show’… to which I replied (okay, I stated balling again and might have screamed) ‘It’s not like they can kill her again’ lol…

I wasn’t laughing in the moment, but looking at the events from the outside it is pretty funny… Okay, my sense of humor is a little screwed up… 😛 But good news… I watched the episode following ‘the Megan death scene’ and I wasn’t thrown into racking sobs… soooo, all good 😛

it must be love

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lol… this is soooo true… I have said repeatedly that I am editing the second book of my Finder’s Keepers series…. what I may have failed to mention is how… but hey… I probably feel asleep… confused yet???

well this is the long and short of it… I wake up, wait for my mind and body to come back online, and then eat or wash my face… then it is time to edit… always with the dang edits… but the part I left out?? after an hour or so (sometimes less) my eyes get heavy and my dang MS lesion filled mind says “what the heck are you doing? more importantly why is it taking so long? WE’RE TIRED” and then my eyes close weather I want them to or not… yep… like I am competing with a narcoleptic I pass out…

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then it starts all over again… I have to wake back up and wait for my body and mind to get with the program… this morning alone, I when through this process three times…

this tells me that I must love this novel, and the world it brings to life… and that I want to share my stories with the world, because believe you me, it is a heck of a lot easier to write the story than it is to edit it… I could make stuff up til the cows come home no problem, and no passing out… but processing information when I edit or research and boy or boy, I am in for a million naps…

I truly hope that Twin Findings: Book Two, Finder’s Keepers is completely ready soon… so that I can share it with y’all… and yes that is the title I have settled on… Twin Findings…

cross your fingers and wish me luck… happy wordage, Tracey