Tag Archives: confused

Evil Confusion… Evil MS

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I want to growl, maybe even howl… there is definitely a scream or two building up at the inefficiency of my mind… okay… that might be a little harsh… but still very true…

I love writing… which is very surprising seeing as I deal with MS (confusion) and dyslexia every day, and especially during the hotter summer months… as the temperature rises, my MS symptoms make themselves known… misunderstandings and an inability to verbalize my thoughts is frequent… but after growing up with the confusion and the lack of articulation associated with dyslexia, these symptoms are nothing new…

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part of creating novels and short stories is research… something that I have always abhorred… but the added difficulties of living with MS has made evil research even worse… it’s hard to explain, but my brain sort of shuts down when faced with too much confusion… learning something new, or focusing on and answering questions creates a short circuit in my ability to stay awake… I simply pass out… it is maddening… and disheartening…

I want to create stories that can be enjoyed… stories with added tidbits of honest real world information to pull the reader in and allow them to visualize my words as if they were living the story…

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finding a balance that allows my mind to work at its own pace, and my creative side to put together works I consider worthy of publishing is hard… but in the end it is worth it… there is a pride and joy that overcomes me as my words become published works… it is a type of high, a high of accomplishment… (oh course, then I have to deal with writer’s depression… something that happens after the publishing phase is over and down with… but I deal with that by taking on art projects and starting on new writing projects… )

if the confusion of MS symptoms and dyslexia were too overwhelming (or not worth enduring) I never would have finished my first novel… now if I could just find a way to stay conscious during research, life would be a lot easier to navigate…

good luck with life, and good luck with you own MS symptoms during this overwhelmingly hot season… happy wordage, tracey

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bring on the funny…

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LOL… okay… that gif has nothing to do with MS…but with four days until the big Walk MS event, it thought we could use some funny… that is what living with multiple sclerosis is all about… finding the humor in our lives where and when we can…

you have to enjoy every minute that you can, and get through the moments that bring on pain/doubt… and always remember those funny moments, while looking forward to the next humorous event… that is what happens with my mother around… she and I have similar funny bones…and can always make each other laugh…

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Mom likes to say that between the two of us, we almost have one functioning brain… lol… and it sadly sooooo very true…

the other day…. okay three days ago… mom and I were chatting away… and when I opened my mouth to comment I completely forgot one of my words… I knew how to describe it (like a combo of football and soccer but scary violent)… sadly she didn’t know what I was talking about… but three days later, I’m not even thinking about our conversation when out of the blue ‘rugby’ pops into my head… I guess my process was slow… 😛

mom forgets stuff all the time too, but she lets it get to her, stating that it is a sign of old age… but I just say ‘that’s life’… but in a nod to her distaste for getting older, I have promised to visit her with a new purse every day (new to her forgetfulness) I will save money and she will always enjoy a new present…

all joking aside… forgetting things can be scary… and is not something to laugh about unless the person you are joking with also thinks it is funny…

anywho… three more posts and the Walk is on…

Walk MS

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Huh… what’d ya say??

lol… I didn’t think this one would apply to me, but it turns out I was wrong… I have been known for selective deafness from time to time… when it comes down to get in an all out slug fest or just ignore, ignore, ignore??? deafness is very useful…

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other than an annoying ringing every once in a while, my hearing has remained as sharp as ever… and other than ignoring someone that is pissing me off, I might lose track of the conversation if I am getting board… I can’t help it; my mind just wonders…

it is also hard to concentrate on a conversation if I am feeling preoccupied… my mind just refuses to focus on what is being said… sometimes I actually feel like shaking my head, as if the will help me focus on the here and now… for the most part, I actually enjoy being in my own little world of writing and reading… yeah, yeah, yeah… I need to work on that… being social is a part of being human… but dang if it isn’t difficult…

and finally, sometimes it just looks like I’m not listening… but actually I am processing what is being said… this makes mom aggravated sometimes… but when I try to answer too quickly, the first word out of my mouth is always ‘huh…’ I don’t do this consciously… it is like my mind is giving me time to understand what was being said to me, and my mouth throws out the questioning huh before I even know what is going on… but I heard you… and I will answer as soon as I can… 😛 see… aggravating… lol

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

MS Peeps Join Forces

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I found this on Pinterest… and it reminded me of my life… or of what I want my life to be… I want to make something out of the impossible… Multiple Sclerosis hits each and every person differently… sure there are a lot of similarities, but the extent and the angle of attack seems to always be different…

when I first got sick, I was reduced to the mindset of a toddler… ten years later, I feel as if I have rebuilt myself… I still have a ways to go, but the very fact that I was able to write and complete a novel, that I have a number of others in the works??? this amazes me… and I am grateful… I don’t want anyone to think that my complaints diminish the triumphs I have had…

sure… I still have trouble with Q&A, and with understanding and retaining the research necessary in the writing world… a dozen questions that require me to follow and understand enough to give a cogent answer??? that is a situation that still cause me to become upset as become confused and start to stutter, and then there are the headaches that pop up if I push myself to far…

and the eye crossing research??? an hour of attempting to look up and understand the information on my computer screen also puts me to sleep… when I need to edit or look up some facts, I spend an hour surfing the web, and then I am out like a light for three – five hours… I don’t have a choice… which drives me crazy… why in the world would my body drop off to sleep (aka coma) when most nights I have trouble getting my mind to shut down… I mean, its crazy… I drop off as if I have been drugged… but after a few days of narcolepsy, I and finished, and can rest up for the fun stuff…

it sounds crazy that I need to rest up, but a few days of trying to understand and jot down information feels like my mind has run a 20k… it is down right exhausting… and I feel the weakness in my entire body… thank heavens, when it comes to just making stuff up, my mind works a lot better… too bad I can’t just write my rough drafts and let someone else do the research and edits… (for free of course, since writers are the poorest of poor people…)

on a happy note, I went back to the local writers group… think AA for work-aholics… and there is a new member… and another lover of words that suffers from MS… together we can put our deteriorating brains together and rule the world… muahahahahahaha

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