Tag Archives: confusion

Evil Confusion… Evil MS

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I want to growl, maybe even howl… there is definitely a scream or two building up at the inefficiency of my mind… okay… that might be a little harsh… but still very true…

I love writing… which is very surprising seeing as I deal with MS (confusion) and dyslexia every day, and especially during the hotter summer months… as the temperature rises, my MS symptoms make themselves known… misunderstandings and an inability to verbalize my thoughts is frequent… but after growing up with the confusion and the lack of articulation associated with dyslexia, these symptoms are nothing new…

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part of creating novels and short stories is research… something that I have always abhorred… but the added difficulties of living with MS has made evil research even worse… it’s hard to explain, but my brain sort of shuts down when faced with too much confusion… learning something new, or focusing on and answering questions creates a short circuit in my ability to stay awake… I simply pass out… it is maddening… and disheartening…

I want to create stories that can be enjoyed… stories with added tidbits of honest real world information to pull the reader in and allow them to visualize my words as if they were living the story…

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finding a balance that allows my mind to work at its own pace, and my creative side to put together works I consider worthy of publishing is hard… but in the end it is worth it… there is a pride and joy that overcomes me as my words become published works… it is a type of high, a high of accomplishment… (oh course, then I have to deal with writer’s depression… something that happens after the publishing phase is over and down with… but I deal with that by taking on art projects and starting on new writing projects… )

if the confusion of MS symptoms and dyslexia were too overwhelming (or not worth enduring) I never would have finished my first novel… now if I could just find a way to stay conscious during research, life would be a lot easier to navigate…

good luck with life, and good luck with you own MS symptoms during this overwhelmingly hot season… happy wordage, tracey

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bring on the funny…

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LOL… okay… that gif has nothing to do with MS…but with four days until the big Walk MS event, it thought we could use some funny… that is what living with multiple sclerosis is all about… finding the humor in our lives where and when we can…

you have to enjoy every minute that you can, and get through the moments that bring on pain/doubt… and always remember those funny moments, while looking forward to the next humorous event… that is what happens with my mother around… she and I have similar funny bones…and can always make each other laugh…

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Mom likes to say that between the two of us, we almost have one functioning brain… lol… and it sadly sooooo very true…

the other day…. okay three days ago… mom and I were chatting away… and when I opened my mouth to comment I completely forgot one of my words… I knew how to describe it (like a combo of football and soccer but scary violent)… sadly she didn’t know what I was talking about… but three days later, I’m not even thinking about our conversation when out of the blue ‘rugby’ pops into my head… I guess my process was slow… 😛

mom forgets stuff all the time too, but she lets it get to her, stating that it is a sign of old age… but I just say ‘that’s life’… but in a nod to her distaste for getting older, I have promised to visit her with a new purse every day (new to her forgetfulness) I will save money and she will always enjoy a new present…

all joking aside… forgetting things can be scary… and is not something to laugh about unless the person you are joking with also thinks it is funny…

anywho… three more posts and the Walk is on…

Walk MS

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Huh… what’d ya say??

lol… I didn’t think this one would apply to me, but it turns out I was wrong… I have been known for selective deafness from time to time… when it comes down to get in an all out slug fest or just ignore, ignore, ignore??? deafness is very useful…

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other than an annoying ringing every once in a while, my hearing has remained as sharp as ever… and other than ignoring someone that is pissing me off, I might lose track of the conversation if I am getting board… I can’t help it; my mind just wonders…

it is also hard to concentrate on a conversation if I am feeling preoccupied… my mind just refuses to focus on what is being said… sometimes I actually feel like shaking my head, as if the will help me focus on the here and now… for the most part, I actually enjoy being in my own little world of writing and reading… yeah, yeah, yeah… I need to work on that… being social is a part of being human… but dang if it isn’t difficult…

and finally, sometimes it just looks like I’m not listening… but actually I am processing what is being said… this makes mom aggravated sometimes… but when I try to answer too quickly, the first word out of my mouth is always ‘huh…’ I don’t do this consciously… it is like my mind is giving me time to understand what was being said to me, and my mouth throws out the questioning huh before I even know what is going on… but I heard you… and I will answer as soon as I can… 😛 see… aggravating… lol

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Dyslexia meets Multiple Sclerosis

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okay… this is totally unfair… lol… but I grew up learning to deal with Dyslexia… my case isn’t that bad, but getting my words mixed up, and taking ten times longer to read my homework assignment??? reading out loud in class and fearing that I would start to stutter as I did my best to understand what I was reading??? yeah, that crap sucks…

but I found little ways to work around the problems and even graduated third in my class, from high school …

but to then have MS thrown onto the pile of word confusion??? well hell people… lol… it took about eight years, but for the most part my words have straightened out… I still have word salad coming out of my mouth when I am tired or stressed, but I always know what I mean in my head… and thankfully, I can write and type better than I can speak… otherwise I never would have been able to finish my novel… but crossed eyes, falling asleep because my brain is tired, and edits that had me wanting to scream all eventually worked out… and I got an indie publisher to help me get everything in order…

now book two is wither her, and she says we need to talk… frankly I am freaking out, and second guessing myself… I can only hope that I whatever problems she has spotted can be worked out easily… otherwise, you guys might hear my frustration no matter where you live…

Oh… and Yoda rocks… 😛

happy wordage, tracey

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

What do you mean “I’m having a Breakdown?”

this is definitely true… and while I hate to admit it (even more than the bladder weakness) I force myself to self evaluate constantly…

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sometimes, it is easy to know that my emotions are throwing me a curve ball… like when I broke down into tears because mom didn’t want to go straight to the mall… did she say she wouldn’t go?? no… this happened early on in my diagnosis… and I heard when mom said she need to make a stop before we headed to the mall???

“You aren’t gonna get to go to the art store.”

Needless to say, there was snot, tears and some hyperventilation… we eventually made it to the mall, but mom’s pit stop turned into a doctor drive by… thank heavens my doctor at the time was a family friend, cause mom stopped in and simply said “You need to up the does on her happy pill!!”

before I even made it out of the hospital, I was informed that I would need a mood stabilizer… and boy were they right… my heart would break at the slightest misunderstanding… thankfully, my anger wasn’t a problem… but it could have been… when lesions start burning out hole in her head, your personality and they way you respond to events in your life can change… the information seems to get lost as you fight to figure out what the hell is going on, and how you’re supposed to function…

but one step at a time, I you can stop to think things over, you may not understand but there will be times when you notice a difference… you’ll think ‘huh… that doesn’t seem normal’… this is what I try to do… it was hard at first, confusing… and didn’t really work… but with time, I got better at spotting my actions and reactions that didn’t seem right… I know I still get things wrong, but it isn’t about being right all the time… its about learning to function, and I do that by evaluating the things I do and say, and trying to make sure that it makes sense…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE