Tag Archives: inspiration

Hello bladder issues…

Well, another day in the life of MS…. now my bladder has decided to become a silent assassin… yep… that is what I have… the organ is killing me, and doing it by sneaking up on me (usually when I first wake up, but hey, all hours of the day are fair game) and leaking by either dribbles or gallons…

and being me, I decided to tell anyone and everyone… why??? because it is embarrassing as all get out… and I have found that repeatedly sharing your horror & embarrassment helps to lessen that feeling, and the need to hide…

and it turns out, a lot of women pee on themselves… lol… so far, no men have stepped up and said “hey… I always have to worry about bathroom access…”

at my writer’s meeting the other day, we do updates on or progress, creativity, and whatnot… and one of my fellow writers also has MS… she is writing about her life with MS… so of course, her share time reminded me that ‘hey… I had some great fodder for her book’… after I blurted out that my latest MS-kick-in-the-pants (wet pants) was bladder weakness, she said “I’m the exact opposite… I feel like I am about to pee on myself, and then sit there for hours, not able to go…”

so I replied “I would be happy to trade you…” lol…

then at my cousin’s birthday get together (yep, I did say I shared my embarrassment anywhere and everywhere) I told some of our mutual friends about my leaky pipes, and one woman started nodding “I would work all day, with a bathroom right there, and never have to go… then on the way home it would hit me… some days I couldn’t even make it into the house… just stood in the driveway peeing all over myself…” she said…

I replied “sometimes I’m just like…” and here I looked down into my lap “well that just happened…”

and it is sooo true… my bladder has decided to stop alerting me to impending disaster… and if I forget to go to the restroom that one extra time (even if I went thirty minutes prior) I always wake up in trouble… one wrong move, one cough (oh don’t get me started on coughing and bladder issues) and flood gates open…

lol… later guys… I think I will run to the bathroom now… Tracey

The new me…

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this is sooooo very true… no matter how upbeat I try to be, I still have moments of regret and mourning… I miss the girl that could do anything, that could and would jump first and ask questions later, that knew no fear and would try just because she was told it was impossible… I miss the way she saw the world, the way she yearned to climb higher and swim deeper…

although I know that that girl is still inside me, urging me to find a way, I now have to temper her where I used to let her run free… now we are forced to work with and around restrictions…

RESTRICTIONS… one of the ugliest words in the English language… while I have found ways to work on my art and my writing, it is the outside world that still needs a work-around or two… I know this post seems relatively down for me, but I blame the heat… it is as the temperature continues to cook my spinal cords and brain cells that I am forced to admit that MS is hard to accepts, to live with…

so now that I have vented, I plan to look for more ways to let the girl from Yesterday come out to play a little more… not really sure what that means, but surely there is a way…

she and I have been working on keychains for the RRBC Block party… there are still a few days left to win some prizes… in fact, my book site Finder’s Keepers Series will be one of the blogs on the 29th… with the winner picking between my bracelets, earrings, and the new keychains as their prize…

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but that is all indoors fun… my lost half is itching to do something outdoors… maybe someday I will figure out a way to let her come out to play

Warm and Worn

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I don’t know about you guys, but I am soooooo ready for fall… I swear that the oxygen is beginning to evaporate because of this outrageous heat… omg…

I had to run out to the post office to mail out a prize for the RRBC Block Party and the heat was out of control… the car temp (which I truly hope was broken – on my 2016 car… almost a year old… ??? that’s long enough for things to start breaking… right???) well it told me that it was 101 degrees out… which is just wrong on soooooo many levels… but the prize wasn’t gonna mail itself… there was nothing to do but to drip my way to the counter… (omg – the sweat)

hopefully it will cool down out there by the time I’m forced to make that trip again… the heat has been zapping my energy and will to ??? well, to do anything ready… the amount of movement it takes to get out of bed already has me broken out in salty, dripping sweat… it is impossible to think straight when you are constantly cursing the salty tears burning your eyes…

but sopping wet and blood shot eyes, I managed to get my winner’s package sent… lol… which reminds me, if you guys want to win some goodies, the RRBC Back to School Block Party… every day this month there are chances to win prizes on the awesome blogs signed up to participate… bloggers, authors, and all manner of fun peeps… in fact, I did a stop on my author blog – Finder’s Keepers – Author Tracey Clark– on aug 5th, and will be doing another stop on aug 29th over on my book blog – Finders Keepers Series… woo who… come have some fun… and remember to head to RRBC to check the line up each day for new chances…

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Evil Confusion… Evil MS

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I want to growl, maybe even howl… there is definitely a scream or two building up at the inefficiency of my mind… okay… that might be a little harsh… but still very true…

I love writing… which is very surprising seeing as I deal with MS (confusion) and dyslexia every day, and especially during the hotter summer months… as the temperature rises, my MS symptoms make themselves known… misunderstandings and an inability to verbalize my thoughts is frequent… but after growing up with the confusion and the lack of articulation associated with dyslexia, these symptoms are nothing new…

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part of creating novels and short stories is research… something that I have always abhorred… but the added difficulties of living with MS has made evil research even worse… it’s hard to explain, but my brain sort of shuts down when faced with too much confusion… learning something new, or focusing on and answering questions creates a short circuit in my ability to stay awake… I simply pass out… it is maddening… and disheartening…

I want to create stories that can be enjoyed… stories with added tidbits of honest real world information to pull the reader in and allow them to visualize my words as if they were living the story…

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finding a balance that allows my mind to work at its own pace, and my creative side to put together works I consider worthy of publishing is hard… but in the end it is worth it… there is a pride and joy that overcomes me as my words become published works… it is a type of high, a high of accomplishment… (oh course, then I have to deal with writer’s depression… something that happens after the publishing phase is over and down with… but I deal with that by taking on art projects and starting on new writing projects… )

if the confusion of MS symptoms and dyslexia were too overwhelming (or not worth enduring) I never would have finished my first novel… now if I could just find a way to stay conscious during research, life would be a lot easier to navigate…

good luck with life, and good luck with you own MS symptoms during this overwhelmingly hot season… happy wordage, tracey

sign up for Finder’s Keepers Newsletter and receive updates on future works… 😛

Walk it Off – MS

Today is Walk MS in my area… a time for MS supporter and sufferers to come together to fight MS with a fundraiser Walk… they walk a mile, eat some lunch, and purchase some Multiple Sclerosis shirts…

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lol… my zombie walk has gotten a lot better but I still have my off days… most of those walking are sturdy on their feet… to participate, you don’t have to actually walk, if you can’t… I have been virtually walking for the last month… (though no one has chosen to donate on my MS page… I was still able to show my support)

next year, plan how you can support MS… donations, walk/bike, or blog until you can’t blog no more… 😛

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I have never had anyone say this to me… and I never say it to myself… be sure that you never say it either (to yourself or to others) … each and every day, do what you can… whether it is for something like Walk MS or in day to day tasks… I can’t walk this year, and I have found a way to make myself feel like I am contributing… I would love to actually walk but that just isn’t some that I CAN do…

and the walker are off….

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Animal House…

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puppies are sooooo dang cute… and I have to say I have never seen a cat be that tolerant… for the most part my two pugs and one kitty love each other… but they also stay out of each others way… (like I said… for the most part… lol) the pugs give Ellie her way, and she keeps her claws to herself…

but what in the world does this have to do with Multiple Sclerosis???

they are my motivation to get up in the mornings… to keep going when I just want to crawl under the covers and forget for a while… even your doctor will tell you that a pet can help with various health issues… lower your blood pressure, keep you calm, stabilize anxiety… and that is your average pet, not an animal trained to help with blindness, seizures, or various traumas…

my animals get me out of bed, make me smile and brighten my day… they need me and I need them…

I love my mother and she is my number one support, but my animals give me that spark for life when things look bleak… personally, I think that everyone should have a pet… no matter if you have an illness or not… and especially as we get older… I have seen more than one of my grandparents light up after getting an animal of their very own.. even the ones that swore that they never wanted another…

so if you don’t have a pet, and want to save money… go to your local shelter and see which one speaks to you… or if you want one of the breeds, save up and get you fur-baby as soon as possible… they are a lot of work, but worth every minute…

living with MS has been a lot easier with my fur-babies by my side…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

mommy killer!!!

 

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alrighty… before I get to my MS virtual Walk post, I had to share this… this was one of the many reason that I have come to believe that Disney is a mother-hater… lol… I cried more watching their movies as a child than in day to day life… they were always killing mom or locking her up… I would cry and tell mom that they needed their mommy… but his part really hit me hard for some reason… dumbo could only touch his mommy in this small way… even now, it tears me up… (I blame the MS) damn you Disney… now I need tissues…

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I am gonna pretend that I didn’t just tear up over a Disney GIF… muahahaha

Battling MS truly is a super power… and don’t forget it… even Dr. Seuss knows that MS can suck…but each and every day, we face MS and come out on top…we get back up, we smile through the pain, we clear our throats and give that sentence another try… and when we just need to take a day off, it doesn’t mean the MS has won… no way, dude… we just need a moment to get our second/third/forth wind…

facing each day with a positive outlook isn’t always possible, but as long as you give it a try, you have tomorrow to give it another go… that’s what I try to remember, when I am feeling beaten… ‘I wasn’t able to do it today, but tomorrow I can try again’…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

bring on the funny…

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LOL… okay… that gif has nothing to do with MS…but with four days until the big Walk MS event, it thought we could use some funny… that is what living with multiple sclerosis is all about… finding the humor in our lives where and when we can…

you have to enjoy every minute that you can, and get through the moments that bring on pain/doubt… and always remember those funny moments, while looking forward to the next humorous event… that is what happens with my mother around… she and I have similar funny bones…and can always make each other laugh…

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Mom likes to say that between the two of us, we almost have one functioning brain… lol… and it sadly sooooo very true…

the other day…. okay three days ago… mom and I were chatting away… and when I opened my mouth to comment I completely forgot one of my words… I knew how to describe it (like a combo of football and soccer but scary violent)… sadly she didn’t know what I was talking about… but three days later, I’m not even thinking about our conversation when out of the blue ‘rugby’ pops into my head… I guess my process was slow… 😛

mom forgets stuff all the time too, but she lets it get to her, stating that it is a sign of old age… but I just say ‘that’s life’… but in a nod to her distaste for getting older, I have promised to visit her with a new purse every day (new to her forgetfulness) I will save money and she will always enjoy a new present…

all joking aside… forgetting things can be scary… and is not something to laugh about unless the person you are joking with also thinks it is funny…

anywho… three more posts and the Walk is on…

Walk MS

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Whose your Baby Girl??

Okay… I have written about Shemar Moore before, but come on… I love this guy… and after the teaser of his death on Criminal Minds, I just have to post about his MS work again…

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The support of family and friends is paramount when dealing with Multiple Sclerosis, or any life altering disease… I know I wouldn’t have made it this far without my mother to count on… it is good to see that an actor of Shemar’s talent takes the time to support his mother…

he has his Baby Girl line of clothes and what-not, and I read how he road in one of the Bike MS events… very cool…

Check out his line  HERE and you get to help with MS and get something cool to wear in the process… I already have my shirt… part of the proceeds will go to help find a cure for MS… see… very cool…

My personal battle has been ups and downs of doubt, depression, fear, and questioning… oh, I have hope, excitement, and goals… but I have been able to fight the former with my mother’s shoulder and strength, and the latter has been due to her helping hand… she is the one that tells me to keep trying and to never lose hope, and anytime she can help me reach or experience my dreams, she rushes forward to make it happen…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

A Personal Walk

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This is very important…. you have to understand and believe this will all your heart… your walk with MS, is your own… and your outcomes will be different from all those other stories…

I remember hearing some truly ghastly stories when I first got sick… I know those sharing what they knew thought that they were being helpful, but what I heard was horror stories… I had a (maybe best not to name names) tell me about this 19 year old that had one lesion, and had just died… and that I was amazing because I had so many lesions (too many to count) … hmmmm what I heard??? I could die any day…

I really could have done without that helpful story… I decided then to focus on the positive and ignore the stories of trial by fire… I decided to share my story for anyone that wanted to hear it, but to never force the information out there… everything about MS is personal… including when we are in the frame of mind to need/want to share or hear the stories about MS life (both the good and the bad stories)

we can have similar experiences, and symptoms … but it is important to remember that the disease attacks each of us differently…

for me, talking and explaining what I go through is easy and helpful… some people don’t want anyone to know, and that is their right…

for me, explaining what MS does to me, and what others can expect me to do or say helps me to interact with others… I am usually very shy (doing my best to change that) but I have noticed that once others know what life trials I am facing, they show caring and support… otherwise, it is human nature to suspect the worst… I mean.. if we see someone stumbling through the room, what do we think if we don’t know anything about them??? the first thought is usually that they are drunk… but if they tell us they have MS and their legs aren’t cooperating that day, we wonder how we can help them…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

How dark is your world?

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I try to add an upbeat note to most of my MS posts… but this is a feeling that we all have… it is hard to look around at what we are missing out on, and not feel a little blue… and no one can look on the brighter side all the time… by now, I had planned to have a good job, a kid or two, and be taking care of my mother… it would have been nice to be in a steady relationship as well, but I never was very good at dating, so I planned to just get employed and buy some sperm, and let the rest fall however it would…

but the other day, I wanted to cry… I immediately explained how I was feeling to my mother, because if you don’t voice your feelings they can bury down deep and start to eat you alive… but we were talking about where we would move, and I realized that the things we wanted out of a new home were vastly different, and would never mesh… and that ultimately, all I could do was to make suggestions…

but by this point in my life, I had planned to have the money to have a wonderful home (while asking mom suggestions)

now don’t get me wrong… mom bends over backwards to make me happy, which she doesn’t have to do… it was the thought that I will never (barring a miracle) be one hundred percent in charge of my life…

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But I am still able to write my novels… and maybe one day, they will make enough to give me some measure of independence… my cousin is having a baby… and I will be able to spoil that child, and any future children, and show them all the love I would have giving a child of my own… and finally, mom is willing to move… and I will look at that as the adventure it will be… she is even willing to travel around on walk-about (that’s when we drive from state to state, stopping when we see something of interest)…

these are all wonderful things…. when MS blues come knocking on your door, you need to find one or two things that brighten your world… when the bad makes itself known, you have to remember/find something to take away the sting…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Slow and Steady

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I love this … and it is something that we all need to remember, not just those of us with MS… Multiple Sclerosis, life in general, has a tendency to throw curve balls our way… but anything is possible, we just have to work at it… or at least that’s what my mother says… and she assures me that mother’s know everything 😛

but working through my wants and dreams is difficult… and just because I do my best to reach my goal, keep a bright outlook, and smile when I want to scream… none of that means that I don’t have moments when my outlook, my world view, my sense of right and wrong doesn’t start pushing me into a deep depression…

and on top of the natural depression that comes with having MS, I am a writer… I have one novel published but that just means I now worry that my next book wont be loved… fighting MS blues and Writer’s depression is difficult… but I have my mother to pull me out of it, and to remind me not to expect more out of myself than I can give, and to remember that tomorrow is another day, another chance, and to never give up…

so that is my message to all of you… no matter your trials, keep trying… keep reaching, and keep dreaming… there is always a way… even when we cant reach our original goal, if we keep trying, we will find new dreams and happiness along the way… happy wordage everyone

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Who turned off the lights???

The high dive, the bungee swing at Kings Island, zip-lining between two mountain peaks, or even sitting on the edge of a cliff… (okay, I was a little bit of a dare devil in my youth) but climb it, jump it, swim across it activities never frightened me… my mother probably had a few stoke moments, but I love the feeling of freefalling, the moment when it is over and you can look around and go ‘huh… I did that…’ like I said, not the smartest decision maker… lol… but man was it fun…

and not one of those moments had me pausing, wondering if I should back out, fearing the worst… I even decided to swim across Grayson Lake, just to see if I could… I knew that I could float all day if I had to (seriously people, I bob around like a dang raft..) It wasn’t until I got home, told mom and watched her face turn white that realized maybe I should have thought things through a little more… like swimming parallel to rocky shoreline so that I didn’t have to worry about boat running me over…

I do have a problem with the thought of sharks and I absolute detest the beach (I mean, who really wants deal with sand that has a mind of its own and will crawl into every crack and crevasse??? that’s just wrong… but still I go out into the water (I run back when things start touching me, but the fear isn’t enough to stop me)

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But when I started losing my sight, with dark clouds building around the edges, because of MS… I broke down… I was already having issues because my case was fast and out of nowhere and it affected my personality… I acted like a toddler, with out of control emotions and absolute trust that the adults would fix things…but something (and I’m not sure what… something said or maybe a random thought) scared the life out of me…

It may have been the eye exam they took me to while I was in the hospital… (that was a horrible experience but too long for right now) anyhow, one thing got stuck in my head and wouldn’t let go… ‘I wouldn’t be able to read the last Harry Potter’ sounds silly, but at that moment, that was devastating… I bawled like my life was over…

thankfully, my sight came back… but even if it hadn’t, my mother (my rock) was there… she told me not to worry… if I couldn’t read, she would read it to me… with MS, you never know when things may change (for good or bad) but I hope everyone finds their person, their rock, the one that can take your devastation and make everything bearable…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

#WeAreStrongerThanMS

Finding My Words

The National Multiple Sclerosis Society has been sending out encouraging emails containing stories of strength… and it is strength to feel as if something you love has been taken from you… to feel lost, but to find ways to continue on…

I have always been a creative person, with half my mind taken up with artistic ideas… but in 2005 I felt as if MS had taken all that away… no more oil paints, or stories full of my wonderful words; no more charcoal sketches or cake decorations… without warning, my mind and body was hit with exacerbation after exacerbation… without the progression and symptoms that are common leading up to a diagnosis of MS, my doctors were scrambling to find a reason for my loss of vision, my inability to walk, my childlike confusion and forgetfulness, arms with minds of their own as they twitched and slammed my hands into everything in sight, etc… basically all things MS related, but instead of a growing list of symptoms, it seemed that everything was going wrong at the same time… within weeks, I was going down hill fast…

thankfully, a multitude of physicians came to give their opinions as they ran tests and viewed results, knowing that as a college student I had not insurance… I am very grateful to them all… it was a rapid decent, but they managed to get my lesions under control…

with the support of my mother, I relearned how to walk, talk, read, write, etc… but in the beginning, the only thing I had to entertain myself in world full of unrelenting boredom (reading confused and hurt my head, watching tv caused headaches, walking was difficult and painful, etc…) was my imagination… I made up stories to pass the time…

but what good were stories, when I couldn’t write them down, I couldn’t edit my words or construct a full sentences … with my mother’s help I grew from that childish mindset… she would sit for hours, doing art project… simple and easy projects like superglue and material to make a cork board pretty, beads and string to make jewelry, or even hand held games for younger kids… each idea she came up with helped me to work on my thought processes, and my hand eye coordination… slowly I was able to jot down notes, so I could remember where my story was going, I could record ideas (in short sentences), and when my head started to hurt, I could speak into my phone so that the speech-to-text option would write down my thoughts…

I still use the speech-to-text, but I also flip back and forth between writing long hand and typing… I have an awesome wrist brace so that MS joint pain doesn’t slow me down, and I know how to manage my projects… it is all about balance… just because I cannot type out my story doesn’t mean that I cannot get my words into the computer… using my cell phone, I can use the speech-to-text button and suddenly my phone is a voice recorder (only better) and then I can email my current chapter to myself… after some copy and pasting, my chapter has been added to my computer files…

when you have MS, it is important to find little work-arounds so that you don’t miss the things that mean the most to you… with help and determination, I was able to finally get my novel Shocking Finds published… and I have two others out to an indie publisher at Gone Writing Publishing to be considered as well…

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I never thought I would be able to think straight again, let alone complete a 110,000 word paranormal/fantasy romance novel… but no matter how long it took – and it was a good five years before I started feeling like a person again, and another three before I could edit my own work – I feel satisfaction and pride in myself each time someone tells me how much they enjoyed my book… MS was a horrible bump in the road for me, but I truly feel that becoming ill helped me to find my passion in life…

Happy wordage everyone… and never give up hope

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE