Tag Archives: stutter

Starting Fires…

8a5f8e7544ec7624042689c4c78c552e

When someone asks me to explain Multiple Sclerosis to them, I say it is like holes are being burned into your brain… Owwwww… but that is basically what it is like… an electrical fire…

information gets passed from neuron to neuron, sending little electrical surges to get the info from point A to point B… then somewhere along the way, something goes wrong… because of MS, the electrical surges that a healthy brain can use and process builds/hits a wall/spikes…

1b02bf2fbc07207ef5b42f88711753c5

On a MRI, these spikes show up as white areas… AKA: electrical fires… or lesions… and when these fires burn out, they leave a black spot… basically a black hole… so when I say that I have holes in my head, I mean that literally…

March is MS Month… reach out to everyone you know, and lets raise money to find a cure, to put out the fires… donate on my national MS page, or start your own… and enjoy each day…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Advertisements

Testing out the waters…

 

8d11544e96509eff0e5d8f1ba47aed5fI want to be confident and sure… but there is that little bit of doubt in the back of my mind, telling me that no matter what I do, no matter how many people tell me they enjoy my stories, and no matter how often the urge to continue putting my words on paper hits me, I am doing the wrong thing… it may be the dreaded writer’s doubt/depression, but I also have to contend with the MS blues… no one can keep a smile on their face 24/7… but what I really think it is, is fear… FEAR…

What if I go to a book signing and freeze up??? What if no one buys my books??? What if I do it wrong, or say the wrong thing???

Damn shyness… I hate being shy… I know that once I get to know someone, I come alive… but at a book signing I will be floundering for purchase… if I have someone I know with me (Assistant), at least I will feel comfortable with them, but the purpose of a book signing is to interact with reader… AKA: Strangers… Gulp… Forget freezing up, I just hope I don’t throw up… And if I can manage to open my mouth, I know there will be some books bought… every month, people are picking up copies of Shocking Finds in eBook (kindle), but I don’t see those people… I don’t speak with them face to face…

51n5v9kHhEL._SX331_BO1,204,203,200_

Amazon

(check out my book website for other buy links for stores other than Amazon)

I have signed up to be a part of three book signings this year… it will be my first year participating in the frightening process… yep… you readers out there scare the hell out of me… lol

But forget about doubt and fear, forget about shyness… What if my MS acts up, and I embarrass myself in front of all those people that I want to be entertained by my work??? What if I have an exacerbation and start bawling in the middle of one of the crowded rooms??? What if I sweat so much that I look like a drowned rat and no one wants to come near me, and therefore no one buys my books??? What if —

What if I miss this opportunity???

There will always be doubt, fear and shyness… and MS will always be a part of my day to day life… and there are a lot of questions that I will only be able to answer once I have survived the trials… The one thing I know for sure… I refuse to miss an opportunity no matter what I have to face… Therefore, I plan to be that girl sweating profusely, face red in embarrassment, and stumbling over her words at three signing events, if not more…

12510263_1021712074554885_5111001328060600450_n

Wild in West Virginia

12079627_962094033833503_8249466675887925969_n

Imaginarium Convention

12366209_10205694623868481_1056629221917749087_n

Rebels and Readers Author Event

That’s one event in hot weather, and two in relatively cool/cold weather… that should give me a feel for what I will be up against… and yes, this is war… lol… me against my MS and shyness… but if I managed to do solos in high school, I know that I can do this… when we love doing something in private, showing the results to the world can be difficult… but then, nothing worth doing is ever easy… 😛 or so I will continue to tell myself… Happy wordage everyone

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

 

OMG… You Want Me to What??

bec38a05d56ac6ae2d9dec2f482ebff9

I know that one day I will be asked to stand up in front of strangers and read an excerpt of my latest novel… ARGGHHH… saying that I don’t expect a standing ovation is an understatement… if I don’t throw up from nerves, I will be sweating and beat red from embarrassment, embarrassment that will trigger my MS issues into over-reaction… because I know that my natural shyness and my MS will fighting to take over, I have decided to head back to my critique meetings when I feel up to it… What??? How can that help???

One of the things we do at these meetings is to read a portion of our latest work out loud, so that the group can give us feedback… in the past, I allowed my fear of reading out loud to stop me from reading… I had admitted my dyslexia and shyness, both of which result in stutters and embarrassment overload… because everyone already knew what was going on with me, they all offered to read a portion of my story for me… knowing these people, and interacting with them for more than a year, I now feel more comfortable around them… that took some of the embarrassment out of the picture… but not all… I still have to deal with my hatred of reading out loud… dang Dyslexia/MS combo…

but since I feel comfortable around them, and because I know that excerpt reading will one day become an issue, I decided to use them as practice… I hope that I can become more comfortable reading out loud, just like I got used to singing solos… granted, I threw up before almost every solo… soooo… yeah… anyone got some valiums I can borrow???

 5ce977f51373a74efeb5d6b3e1d02760

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Find your Greatness

1bfb404e1cabcdcf81b30230fb883fc1

There are a lot of moments in life that remind me of how I want to live my life with Multiple Sclerosis… moments that clearly say, ‘take what you have and make it amazing’… I saw this GIF and it just screamed ‘make the most of what you have’… just because we freeze up, stumble over our words, or stagger as we cross the room… we still have the potential to be great…

there are a lot of things that I have been forced to change how I approach them… and there are others that I am still working on, but I never quit… that is what needs to foremost in mine mind at all times… I have learned that being open and up front about the problems I face lessens the embarrassment I feel when I have a glitch in my mind and body… when I forget my words??? I now just say ‘words’ and those that know me, know that this means I am having trouble expressing myself… they move on and talk about something else, something that can talk about without stuttering… when I first got sick I would cry when I lost my words… and my tears would embarrass me even more…

or the fact that I couldn’t walk through the grocery store without pain and confusion.. that the harder I pushed myself to keep up with the crowd or the person I was with would cause the symptoms to get worse that much faster… now I just let everyone else rush around… if I am having a day that demands that I slow down, I slow down and move at my own pace… I may not get it done as quickly but it gets done… I make greatness in my own way…

MS Peeps Join Forces

f0763cf66e4b5fcac57bf95cec624aa5

I found this on Pinterest… and it reminded me of my life… or of what I want my life to be… I want to make something out of the impossible… Multiple Sclerosis hits each and every person differently… sure there are a lot of similarities, but the extent and the angle of attack seems to always be different…

when I first got sick, I was reduced to the mindset of a toddler… ten years later, I feel as if I have rebuilt myself… I still have a ways to go, but the very fact that I was able to write and complete a novel, that I have a number of others in the works??? this amazes me… and I am grateful… I don’t want anyone to think that my complaints diminish the triumphs I have had…

sure… I still have trouble with Q&A, and with understanding and retaining the research necessary in the writing world… a dozen questions that require me to follow and understand enough to give a cogent answer??? that is a situation that still cause me to become upset as become confused and start to stutter, and then there are the headaches that pop up if I push myself to far…

and the eye crossing research??? an hour of attempting to look up and understand the information on my computer screen also puts me to sleep… when I need to edit or look up some facts, I spend an hour surfing the web, and then I am out like a light for three – five hours… I don’t have a choice… which drives me crazy… why in the world would my body drop off to sleep (aka coma) when most nights I have trouble getting my mind to shut down… I mean, its crazy… I drop off as if I have been drugged… but after a few days of narcolepsy, I and finished, and can rest up for the fun stuff…

it sounds crazy that I need to rest up, but a few days of trying to understand and jot down information feels like my mind has run a 20k… it is down right exhausting… and I feel the weakness in my entire body… thank heavens, when it comes to just making stuff up, my mind works a lot better… too bad I can’t just write my rough drafts and let someone else do the research and edits… (for free of course, since writers are the poorest of poor people…)

on a happy note, I went back to the local writers group… think AA for work-aholics… and there is a new member… and another lover of words that suffers from MS… together we can put our deteriorating brains together and rule the world… muahahahahahaha

c84b62c72d2913c3fae326c77626f036