That pill does what?

So… a while ago, I complained about peeing on myself. Oh course, I blamed it on the MS. I had heard about that little surprise, and assumed that it was just another MS downer. But that didn’t mean that I remained silent and accepted it as my lot in life. Nope.

I complained to my doctors, I shared my whoos with friends, family, and you all. I am real big on sharing what you feel ashamed of, embarrassed of. It is amazing the amount of support you get, how all the shame lifts, and the number of people willing to then share their own similar stories.

Doctors on the other hand, they were a big let down. I got tired of feeling ignored when I said, “I have been peeing on myself. And I’m not talking about ‘whoops, there went a dribble’, nooooooo…. I am talking great big water falls”…. but nothing. But then my cousin (a PA, Doctor’s Assistant) was running through all the things that she knew that could cause my latest problem, and one of the things I could double check myself was meds.

I realized that my peeing issue had begun after I started taking a sleeping pill (doctor prescribed), and I immediately stopped taking the pill (TraZODone). Within the week I no longer had to jump on a pillow, a blanket… anything washable really… so that I could was out the urine without pulling up the floor. And when I had a visit with the doctor that prescribed the evil pill, and I explained all this to him, what did he say???

“Oh, yeah… that happens sometimes!”

What the hell… sooo…. beware my peeps… if you are having issues, check your meds… don’t just accept your fate, check the side affects on your meds. I don’t know about you guys but I would rather lose sleep than soak my bed.

Now I am back to editing my next novel.

check out my latest novel, Twin Findings – Finder’s Keepers, book 3

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Hello bladder issues…

Well, another day in the life of MS…. now my bladder has decided to become a silent assassin… yep… that is what I have… the organ is killing me, and doing it by sneaking up on me (usually when I first wake up, but hey, all hours of the day are fair game) and leaking by either dribbles or gallons…

and being me, I decided to tell anyone and everyone… why??? because it is embarrassing as all get out… and I have found that repeatedly sharing your horror & embarrassment helps to lessen that feeling, and the need to hide…

and it turns out, a lot of women pee on themselves… lol… so far, no men have stepped up and said “hey… I always have to worry about bathroom access…”

at my writer’s meeting the other day, we do updates on or progress, creativity, and whatnot… and one of my fellow writers also has MS… she is writing about her life with MS… so of course, her share time reminded me that ‘hey… I had some great fodder for her book’… after I blurted out that my latest MS-kick-in-the-pants (wet pants) was bladder weakness, she said “I’m the exact opposite… I feel like I am about to pee on myself, and then sit there for hours, not able to go…”

so I replied “I would be happy to trade you…” lol…

then at my cousin’s birthday get together (yep, I did say I shared my embarrassment anywhere and everywhere) I told some of our mutual friends about my leaky pipes, and one woman started nodding “I would work all day, with a bathroom right there, and never have to go… then on the way home it would hit me… some days I couldn’t even make it into the house… just stood in the driveway peeing all over myself…” she said…

I replied “sometimes I’m just like…” and here I looked down into my lap “well that just happened…”

and it is sooo true… my bladder has decided to stop alerting me to impending disaster… and if I forget to go to the restroom that one extra time (even if I went thirty minutes prior) I always wake up in trouble… one wrong move, one cough (oh don’t get me started on coughing and bladder issues) and flood gates open…

lol… later guys… I think I will run to the bathroom now… Tracey

Aches and Pains… sigh

I don’t know about the rest of y’all but the holidays kicked my MS behind… it is amazing how something like cooking can put you in serious need of R&R, and wrapping presents??? forget about it… the Clark household is all about reusable present bags and boxes… yep, it is a standing rule in our home that the gift is yours but the container (bag/box) isn’t to leave the house…

and for those gifts that we are forced to pass out while out and about, we use dollar store X-mas bags… bending over and cutting paper, taping, and attempting to force Christmas paper to behave??? go ahead and skip the pain… invest in lots of decorative boxes… 😛

as for the big holiday meal??? mom wanted my ham this year, and once I start in the kitchen with a meal like this, I can’t help myself… I want the ham to be perfect and tender, the potato salad to be delicious (fyi: made while potatoes are still hot) and the rolls are buttered to melt in your mouth…

truthfully, I want my mother to enjoy the festive season as much as possible… between that and my OCD quirks, I end up overdoing… a big no-no, but the meal was to die for and the gather went great…

all in all, the season was worth it but painful (wanted to cry in pain a few times) and we all had a lot of fun… we are all also ready to say goodbye to the insanity that is the holiday season… I hope everyone managed to enjoy the passing of another year (painful or not) and that you guys are ready to start a new year… let’s all create something wonderful… for my part I hope to get my latest novel (Artistic Beauty) out by early March…

that’s it for now… happy wordage, Tracey

Hmmmm I wonder???

Okay… the other day, I posted a few pic of famous peeps that have MS…. but that night, my body fell apart and stopped to wonder if I should have run the post… lol… okay, what I really wondered was where were their stories of breakdowns…

I want to read the stories that scream “Hey, they are just like me…” not another, just keep trying and reaching for your goals… I want the story about how they carry a change of clothes with them at all times in case bladder issues crop up… that would make sense to me…

what the heck brought this on, you ask??? lol… late night disaster… and it all started with a drink of diet coke… my favorite drink in the world… yep, I am addicted…

as happens from time to time, my lovely diet coke decided to go down my wind pipe and into the forbidden area of my lungs… not cool… but unlike usual, this time I couldn’t hack the stuff back up… and breathing was seriously becoming an issue… and if that wasn’t bad enough, I had to run for the restroom because the hacking had my abdominal muscles squeezing my bladder… ( and all of this from a sound sleep… I had woken up coughing, and taken a drink to sooth my throat… which soooo  didn’t work )

so a I make it safe and sound to the restroom, but no air ups the anti on my hacking, which lead to vomit… yep, you heard me… but at that point, the toilet was occupy so that my bladder did decide to go haywire… there was nothing for me to do, but to lean in the direction of the tub…. but I leaned a little too far…

needless to say, I ended up peeing in the floor after all my hard work … and to add insult to injury, I had already thrown up in the tub… the thing didn’t dirty was the toilet… it was as I cleaned the bathroom (thankfully able to finally breathe) to within an inch of its life, that I stopped to wonder where the news posts about these famous MS peeps were when they had to make a mad dash for the bathroom… because you know it has to happen… it is a horrible part of life…

the next day, I was feeling blue… and doubt and depression were filling my thoughts… “why continue writing, or painting, or going through the day to day motions???” … but then I opened my email and saw that I had a new review for my first novel…

By

Barbara Underwood

This review is from: Shocking Finds: A Finder’s Keeper Novel (Paperback)

Judging by the author bio at the back of this book, Tracey Clark is obviously a very bubbly and charismatic personality, and this is evident in her writing style from the very beginning to the end of this entertaining Fantasy novel. Her storytelling technique immediately pulls the reader into her world of Fae who struggle to live in the everyday real world. This approach intrigued me right away because there was not too much out-of-this-world Fantasy to get familiar with, and the situation of the main character, Marin, not even knowing that she is a Fae Princess with tremendous powers also adds to the suspense and interest as the story unfolds.
Another prominent and positive feature of this book is that the author skilfully expresses thoughts and feelings from the two main characters: Marin and the man she is destined to be with, Kyland. In fact, this novel is also a beautiful, deep and intense love story, quite apart from the problems caused by Fae curses and helping Marin to understand and believe who she really is.
This book sets the scene for more books to come, and it is quite a lengthy book which took me some time to read, mainly because the writing style is engaging but also intense at times, so that you cannot skim through or skip anything. It is an involving read, but a very rewarding one for both Fantasy and Romance lovers alike, and I’ll be looking out for the sequel to this book!

It was a small thing, but reading this review helped pull me out of my way… I love getting these (and thankfully I have yet to get a bad review)… they are uplifting to me… and mean more to me than my readers will ever know… alrighty… that’s all for now… 😛 later MS peeps…

Pictures of Famous People Who Have Multiple Sclerosis

You’d never guess from appearances that these 13 celebrities have MS — or that they continue to do what they love for years after diagnosis.

Source: Pictures of Famous People Who Have Multiple Sclerosis

The new me…

this is sooooo very true… no matter how upbeat I try to be, I still have moments of regret and mourning… I miss the girl that could do anything, that could and would jump first and ask questions later, that knew no fear and would try just because she was told it was impossible… I miss the way she saw the world, the way she yearned to climb higher and swim deeper…

although I know that that girl is still inside me, urging me to find a way, I now have to temper her where I used to let her run free… now we are forced to work with and around restrictions…

RESTRICTIONS… one of the ugliest words in the English language… while I have found ways to work on my art and my writing, it is the outside world that still needs a work-around or two… I know this post seems relatively down for me, but I blame the heat… it is as the temperature continues to cook my spinal cords and brain cells that I am forced to admit that MS is hard to accepts, to live with…

so now that I have vented, I plan to look for more ways to let the girl from Yesterday come out to play a little more… not really sure what that means, but surely there is a way…

she and I have been working on keychains for the RRBC Block party… there are still a few days left to win some prizes… in fact, my book site Finder’s Keepers Series will be one of the blogs on the 29th… with the winner picking between my bracelets, earrings, and the new keychains as their prize…

but that is all indoors fun… my lost half is itching to do something outdoors… maybe someday I will figure out a way to let her come out to play

Warm and Worn

I don’t know about you guys, but I am soooooo ready for fall… I swear that the oxygen is beginning to evaporate because of this outrageous heat… omg…

I had to run out to the post office to mail out a prize for the RRBC Block Party and the heat was out of control… the car temp (which I truly hope was broken – on my 2016 car… almost a year old… ??? that’s long enough for things to start breaking… right???) well it told me that it was 101 degrees out… which is just wrong on soooooo many levels… but the prize wasn’t gonna mail itself… there was nothing to do but to drip my way to the counter… (omg – the sweat)

hopefully it will cool down out there by the time I’m forced to make that trip again… the heat has been zapping my energy and will to ??? well, to do anything ready… the amount of movement it takes to get out of bed already has me broken out in salty, dripping sweat… it is impossible to think straight when you are constantly cursing the salty tears burning your eyes…

but sopping wet and blood shot eyes, I managed to get my winner’s package sent… lol… which reminds me, if you guys want to win some goodies, the RRBC Back to School Block Party… every day this month there are chances to win prizes on the awesome blogs signed up to participate… bloggers, authors, and all manner of fun peeps… in fact, I did a stop on my author blog – Finder’s Keepers – Author Tracey Clark– on aug 5th, and will be doing another stop on aug 29th over on my book blog – Finders Keepers Series… woo who… come have some fun… and remember to head to RRBC to check the line up each day for new chances…

 

Keep it Down… Shhh

I complain about my sleeping issues all the time… to myself, to my dogs and mother… to you guys… it can be maddening… first you deal with the heat and headaches keeping you up at night… and if you’re like me, you end up exhausted after days of little to no sleep… lol… the easiest way for me to get to sleep is to do some research for one of my books… then, heat or no heat, my brain just shuts off… not sure if that counts as sleep or not, but after days of wide-eyed confusion, a girl has to do what a girl has to do…

but my lack of sleep has roots in more than just pain or heat… thinking can keep me up more thoroughly than any pain… it is something that started soon after my diagnosis… or maybe it started getting worse… I’m not sure… but my mind is always on this constant loop of plans, story ideas, sadness (if something happens or I watch a tear jerker), etc… really anything and everything keeps my the hamster wheel I call my thoughts to continuously spin… the one thing I have found that helps is to pop in a movie or tv DVD that I have watched a million times… the sound of something that I practically know by heart helps me sleep… if I have something on that I’ve never seen before, my mind wants to know more… insane, but even a B-rated horror flick would have my eyes popping back open so that I could see what happened next…

anyone that has watched the first Underworld will (maybe) know what scene I’m talking about when I say that turn on the movie and as soon as the huge (and man, that guy has to be like 7 ft of pure muscle) black man that plays one of the werewolves, screams out ‘bloods’ in his deep bass, then starts shooting in the underground train station, I would start to drift to sleep… lol… for the first three years after my diagnosis, I drifted off to that base growl… poor mom… back then, she was so afraid of losing me that she sleep in the same room…

the room wasn’t really that big, so it wasn’t like she could put her bed far enough away that two hours of vampires, werewolves and gunfire on a loop didn’t keep her awake… but it was either that or I never slept…

my second fave for a good night’s sleep was Hellboy… still very loud… but maybe a little less gun play… I think it was the sound of rapid fire explosions that quieted my mind, because Underworld was always better at putting me to sleep… but hey, a girl needed a change every once in a while… 😛

these days, it is helpful to put in a tv season that I have watched a million times… but lately, I have been thinking of going back to Underworld… sleeping in the tub is always easy, but I am getting prune lines… later guys… happy wordage…

Evil Confusion… Evil MS

I want to growl, maybe even howl… there is definitely a scream or two building up at the inefficiency of my mind… okay… that might be a little harsh… but still very true…

I love writing… which is very surprising seeing as I deal with MS (confusion) and dyslexia every day, and especially during the hotter summer months… as the temperature rises, my MS symptoms make themselves known… misunderstandings and an inability to verbalize my thoughts is frequent… but after growing up with the confusion and the lack of articulation associated with dyslexia, these symptoms are nothing new…

part of creating novels and short stories is research… something that I have always abhorred… but the added difficulties of living with MS has made evil research even worse… it’s hard to explain, but my brain sort of shuts down when faced with too much confusion… learning something new, or focusing on and answering questions creates a short circuit in my ability to stay awake… I simply pass out… it is maddening… and disheartening…

I want to create stories that can be enjoyed… stories with added tidbits of honest real world information to pull the reader in and allow them to visualize my words as if they were living the story…

finding a balance that allows my mind to work at its own pace, and my creative side to put together works I consider worthy of publishing is hard… but in the end it is worth it… there is a pride and joy that overcomes me as my words become published works… it is a type of high, a high of accomplishment… (oh course, then I have to deal with writer’s depression… something that happens after the publishing phase is over and down with… but I deal with that by taking on art projects and starting on new writing projects… )

if the confusion of MS symptoms and dyslexia were too overwhelming (or not worth enduring) I never would have finished my first novel… now if I could just find a way to stay conscious during research, life would be a lot easier to navigate…

good luck with life, and good luck with you own MS symptoms during this overwhelmingly hot season… happy wordage, tracey

sign up for Finder’s Keepers Newsletter and receive updates on future works… 😛

Nudist Colony here I come…

I’m meltinggggggg…….. I’m melting… when to the store with mom and she suddenly looks at me, head cocked to the side and asks “Your shirt is wet. Is that sweat under your breasts?”

“Why… yes, yes it is. and thank you for calling attention to the matter….” we were in the middle of Wal-Mart… looking at bras… lol… I felt like promising the sales attendant that I wouldn’t try anything on…

(well… that pic could mean something completely different… but it was the closest one I could find to what I wanted… )

even if I did move to a nudist colony, I would still run around covered in sweat, my head swelling from the heat… I need shade, a strong breeze and as little clothing as is acceptable… I swear, this heat makes me want to be a man… then I could run around with flip-flops and shorts on, and nothing else… sure, some places demand a shirt and shoes before they will serve ya, but that is what wife beater tees are for…

unless I can locate one in Antarctica…omg I am burning up… lol… I think I will start sitting on piles of ice throughout the day… in college (due to roommate fights and the heat in the room when someone left the heater on in summer) I would take ice cold bathes before bed, drop my body temperature low enough that I didn’t have time to overheat before I feel asleep… this weather has me eyeballing the tub and thinking about making a run to the store for a bag of ice…

and just think peeps, the worst is yet to come… lets all move north…

but inside with the AC I am cool enough to work on my books… just finished/published the second book in my Finder’s Keepers series… woo who… urban fantasy romance…

if you want book info sign up for my author Newsletter…

and keep cool… I’m off for some ice chips and some edits…

OMG … my head

lol… I know what my brain is telling me… it is screaming that I have MS and need to slow down… the month of may has been way to full of activity… I know that I need to avoid stress and heat, and listen to my body… but sometimes all I hear is ‘blah, blah, blah…’

I hate the feeling of being hampered by my MS, but that is the way of it… grrr…

okay, now that the growling is out of the way, I have to think of ways to work with my MS… my hardest obstical is Sleep… I toss and turn, sleep in the tub, and wake up exhausted… when I sleep in the bed, I roll in circles and end up tossing my pillows all over the place.. sometimes my head ends up where my feet should be… and falling asleep in the first place is a real back in the arse…

but my heads main problem is Smell… I took mom to get a perm earlier this month, and ended up sitting outside to avoid the smells… man… it had to be the strongest solution ever created for a perm… and then we rested up for a mother/daughter church dinner with granny-2…  I guess my brain/smeller was already in hyper-drive… as soon as we walked into the reception/fellowship area my nose was assaulted by the smell of freshly cut onions… my eyes began to water and my head to ache… omg… and the dang onions were at the other end of the room…

sooo… I had a few headaches this month, but I got a lot done… finished camp nano with 70,000+ words (one and half novels in rough draft form), worked on a new art project, and checked out Lake Cumberland with mom… a little pain, but all in all, I have had some great moments this month…

happy wordage, tracey

watch me run…

I ran… the wind blew, the sweat started to drip, my breathing accelerated, and still I ran… I became a bullet train of MS glory… muhahahaha

okay… that isn’t me… and my distance my seem trivial to some, but to all you MSers out there, when I say I managed to beat my time on the 25 foot walk, it will mean something… when I first got sick, 25ft felt like miles… a marathon of pain… and then I had to sit down… and that was after I had bounced off the walls as I wobbled down the hall… and my time… HA… a lot embarrassed me back then… now I share everything… bladder issues, jumbled words, or loss of basic abilities… but at the time I wanted to cry… I felt like I needed to push harder, like people (even my dr) would look at me and think “She isn’t even trying… there’s nothing wrong with her!!!”

back then my 7+ seconds time was humiliating… as I grow with my MS, and accept more limits, and strive for goals, I am better equipped to handle the ups and downs… but this one, folks, was definitely an up… 2 seconds… point-5 seconds faster than my last time…  and what fancy foot wear did I don in preparation for my big run???

HA… no tennis shoes for this girl… I showed up for appointment with my comfy flip flops on my feet… but this 25ft walk (or in my case run) is serious business… lol… so I kicked them off… and my doc, well accustomed to my ways by now, told the little nurse in training to “back out of the way…. she really is gonna run” … lol… in my stance and off I went… it is the small accomplishments that help to balance out the crap… and that 25ft is now my favorite part of the neurologist’s office… that and my doc is funny… that is why I think she will totally appreciate my runners gear…

I soooo need to find something like this… 😛 … day by day, highs and lows, I want everyone to keep shooting for those small moments… it can be anything… a good time on your 25ft walk, a day without headaches, making something that has been giving you trouble for years… each small moment gives hope … and, for me, usually a smile… because I am well aware that I am acting like a silly monger, but for once I am having fun with my MS… tracey

 

Walk it Off – MS

Today is Walk MS in my area… a time for MS supporter and sufferers to come together to fight MS with a fundraiser Walk… they walk a mile, eat some lunch, and purchase some Multiple Sclerosis shirts…

lol… my zombie walk has gotten a lot better but I still have my off days… most of those walking are sturdy on their feet… to participate, you don’t have to actually walk, if you can’t… I have been virtually walking for the last month… (though no one has chosen to donate on my MS page… I was still able to show my support)

next year, plan how you can support MS… donations, walk/bike, or blog until you can’t blog no more… 😛

I have never had anyone say this to me… and I never say it to myself… be sure that you never say it either (to yourself or to others) … each and every day, do what you can… whether it is for something like Walk MS or in day to day tasks… I can’t walk this year, and I have found a way to make myself feel like I am contributing… I would love to actually walk but that just isn’t some that I CAN do…

and the walker are off….

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Animal House…

puppies are sooooo dang cute… and I have to say I have never seen a cat be that tolerant… for the most part my two pugs and one kitty love each other… but they also stay out of each others way… (like I said… for the most part… lol) the pugs give Ellie her way, and she keeps her claws to herself…

but what in the world does this have to do with Multiple Sclerosis???

they are my motivation to get up in the mornings… to keep going when I just want to crawl under the covers and forget for a while… even your doctor will tell you that a pet can help with various health issues… lower your blood pressure, keep you calm, stabilize anxiety… and that is your average pet, not an animal trained to help with blindness, seizures, or various traumas…

my animals get me out of bed, make me smile and brighten my day… they need me and I need them…

I love my mother and she is my number one support, but my animals give me that spark for life when things look bleak… personally, I think that everyone should have a pet… no matter if you have an illness or not… and especially as we get older… I have seen more than one of my grandparents light up after getting an animal of their very own.. even the ones that swore that they never wanted another…

so if you don’t have a pet, and want to save money… go to your local shelter and see which one speaks to you… or if you want one of the breeds, save up and get you fur-baby as soon as possible… they are a lot of work, but worth every minute…

living with MS has been a lot easier with my fur-babies by my side…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

mommy killer!!!

 

alrighty… before I get to my MS virtual Walk post, I had to share this… this was one of the many reason that I have come to believe that Disney is a mother-hater… lol… I cried more watching their movies as a child than in day to day life… they were always killing mom or locking her up… I would cry and tell mom that they needed their mommy… but his part really hit me hard for some reason… dumbo could only touch his mommy in this small way… even now, it tears me up… (I blame the MS) damn you Disney… now I need tissues…

I am gonna pretend that I didn’t just tear up over a Disney GIF… muahahaha

Battling MS truly is a super power… and don’t forget it… even Dr. Seuss knows that MS can suck…but each and every day, we face MS and come out on top…we get back up, we smile through the pain, we clear our throats and give that sentence another try… and when we just need to take a day off, it doesn’t mean the MS has won… no way, dude… we just need a moment to get our second/third/forth wind…

facing each day with a positive outlook isn’t always possible, but as long as you give it a try, you have tomorrow to give it another go… that’s what I try to remember, when I am feeling beaten… ‘I wasn’t able to do it today, but tomorrow I can try again’…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

bring on the funny…

LOL… okay… that gif has nothing to do with MS…but with four days until the big Walk MS event, it thought we could use some funny… that is what living with multiple sclerosis is all about… finding the humor in our lives where and when we can…

you have to enjoy every minute that you can, and get through the moments that bring on pain/doubt… and always remember those funny moments, while looking forward to the next humorous event… that is what happens with my mother around… she and I have similar funny bones…and can always make each other laugh…

Mom likes to say that between the two of us, we almost have one functioning brain… lol… and it sadly sooooo very true…

the other day…. okay three days ago… mom and I were chatting away… and when I opened my mouth to comment I completely forgot one of my words… I knew how to describe it (like a combo of football and soccer but scary violent)… sadly she didn’t know what I was talking about… but three days later, I’m not even thinking about our conversation when out of the blue ‘rugby’ pops into my head… I guess my process was slow… 😛

mom forgets stuff all the time too, but she lets it get to her, stating that it is a sign of old age… but I just say ‘that’s life’… but in a nod to her distaste for getting older, I have promised to visit her with a new purse every day (new to her forgetfulness) I will save money and she will always enjoy a new present…

all joking aside… forgetting things can be scary… and is not something to laugh about unless the person you are joking with also thinks it is funny…

anywho… three more posts and the Walk is on…

Walk MS

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Pain in the Arse

 

Dead leg… what the heck is going one here…

I haven’t had any episodes of true numbness… thank heavens… but it does seem like I can’t stand to sit in a chair like a normal human being with out my legs and arse falling asleep… quickly…

and then the pain hits… which just seems unfair… I can’t sit in a theater, or reception hall for any length of time without the inevitable sleepy bum and antsy legs… and then OMG the pain… I can barely make it through a movie, and sitting through a graduation or awards ceremony is torture…

it is depression to realize that supporting my cousin at her college graduation is going to be painful and that the tears in my eyes will be less for the pride I will feel for her accomplishments and more for the depression welling up in my heart… I mean… no one wants to realize that their life is soooo very different from everyone else’s life… all of those other people in the stands will be beaming with their happiness… while I will be leaning one way and then the other, just to relieve the ache building in my backside, not to mention the pins and needles racing down my legs…

and if I don’t get up and move, the pain finds its way into my back… but does it stop there… ohhhhh nooooo… I have now reached the point where I either need to lie down, get in a lazy-boy and prop up my legs, or if it is really back, get in a hot bath… and on top of being depressed that I can’t just sit through the event like everyone else, am embarrassed, which usually brings on the tears…

I remember sitting through one of my cousins weddings when I was barely a year into my diagnosis with MS… and I moved so dang slowly… but anywho… I had sat through the event, the pain had started, and I saw the long line of people waiting to congratulate the couple… there was no way I was going make it stand in that line, and no way I could make it down stairs to the reception in the church basement, let alone stand or sit around celebrating the nuptials… and it was early in my disease, meaning emotions were even more out of control than they are now… soooo I broke into tears… sobs actually…and mom had to make our excuses, which was embarrassing, and caused even more tears…

mainly because I knew that there were going to be people that looked at me and didn’t understand… they wouldn’t know why I was sobbing or why I was leaving… so yeah… ms sucks… at least when my other cousin graduates from college, it will be quiet tears of pain and pride, without the sobs…

I almost wish that my cousin would take a few more years to graduate, and as for the movies… I go to maybe one a year… and it has to be something I am dying to see, because I know halfway through my body will start to feel like I am on my last legs, so I will need something great to take my mind off of what is happening to my body…

MS can really suck, so work with it and around it… otherwise it will drive you insane…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Fear Me…

Okay… I came across this poster on Pinterest just had to share… it is essential to know and accept that MS patients deal with fear and anxiety on a daily basis…

I already do “Sharing Fear” and “Coping with Anxiety List”… except for writing down my anxiety, but I may subconsciously give the characters in my novels and short stories some of my anxieties and fears…

I have noticed that one of my sub-characters has a problem with hot weather, and a main character has shyness and wallflower behavior to rival my own… lol… but with my stories I can find ways for them to move past these issues…

with sharing my fears, voicing them out loud, I feel a weight disappearing… just by saying it out loud I realize that my fears aren’t as impossible as I thought… they aren’t as big and all consuming as they appeared… and usually, I have my mother to tell me that everything will be okay… and even if she doesn’t have an answer that will actually fix my fears, she has a suggestion that cheers me up…

as for the coping with anxiety list, I already said that I don’t do a regular list of fear/anxiety and that I share my fears when the hit… as for the rest of the list…

My mother is always there for a quick hug when I need one, and I am all about relaxing bath time… in fact I spend more time in the tub than I do out… at least that is how it feels… when I can’t sleep or my anxiety is getting the better of me, or even if I have some pain that refuses to go away, I head for the bathroom and shout out ‘I’m going swimming’… some hot water and low lights, and I am off to sleepy time…

A calming breath is always helpful, and diverting activities are at the top of my list of coping mechanisms… usually I use one of my favorite movies/shows to zone out… my mind already knows all my favorite parts of the show and tunes itself to the familiar scenes and actions… working on an art project also helps to balance out my mind… and man do I love art projects… especial if it is something new that I have never tried before…

and finally, Avoidance… I know what will cause me to be angry, anxious, sad, etc… and avoiding news, shows, people, events, and all the other disruptive activities that I know will affect my mental state is part of life now that I have MS… I don’t usual say why I am avoiding something, and that is wrong… I should just come out and tell those around me that I need to disengage from the situation so that my mental state isn’t adversely affected… I mean, if you know that going to a party with ‘uncle Dick’ or ‘friendly Ratchet’ will cause your temper to flare or your tears to flow, then walk away… when I can walk away, I avoid the situation like the plague…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Whose your Baby Girl??

Okay… I have written about Shemar Moore before, but come on… I love this guy… and after the teaser of his death on Criminal Minds, I just have to post about his MS work again…

The support of family and friends is paramount when dealing with Multiple Sclerosis, or any life altering disease… I know I wouldn’t have made it this far without my mother to count on… it is good to see that an actor of Shemar’s talent takes the time to support his mother…

he has his Baby Girl line of clothes and what-not, and I read how he road in one of the Bike MS events… very cool…

Check out his line  HERE and you get to help with MS and get something cool to wear in the process… I already have my shirt… part of the proceeds will go to help find a cure for MS… see… very cool…

My personal battle has been ups and downs of doubt, depression, fear, and questioning… oh, I have hope, excitement, and goals… but I have been able to fight the former with my mother’s shoulder and strength, and the latter has been due to her helping hand… she is the one that tells me to keep trying and to never lose hope, and anytime she can help me reach or experience my dreams, she rushes forward to make it happen…

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE

Itchy, Itchy, scratchy, scratchy…

It is almost time for the big MS Walk around here… a week away … todays MS topic is Itching… lol… soon my MS post will go back to 4-6 a month, but for now lets find out about uncontrollable itching…

Oh Dear… this freaks me out… I haven’t had this happen to me, but just the thought of it has me wanting to scratch away…

the worst itch I have faced is that Baloo itch… the bear from the Jungle Book… lol… where you want to back up to a door frame and rub up and down in an effort to relieve the itchiness along your spine… but hey… everyone does that… right???

okay, I need to stop talking about this, before I subconsciously make myself break out in hives… muhahahahaha

and if you want to donate to Walk MS, Click HERE

or if you just want to check out my Walk MS post, Click HERE